I’ve said in previous posts that these are for individuals. That is truth. The problem is that I think they are about me, as much as I wish they weren’t.
Here’s the issue. I want things to change. I want MY friends to be able to love, be loved, believe, and be respected. I want them to be able to live their lives as equals under the law of the land. I want them to be able to “dance in the rain” in public without fear of repercussion or disrespect.
Do you see a pattern? “I want MY…” They, those friends, are not possessions or treasures. They are cherished. They also have lives outside of the interaction with me. Yet, what I see is my perspective. That there is a sense of belonging…to me. “I want MY” wife to have a good husband. I want…*sigh*.
I wish I could make it not about mine. I worry that the “I want my” idea is a relic of my addict years. I wish I didn’t, sometimes, feel like a petulant 3 year old with a toy.
I was talking to Aj last night. I’m trying to gain an understanding of Paganism and how she believes. Again, my motives were selfish. She’s my best friend that is not my wife, “bftinmw”. She’s also my confidant and confessor. She’s someone that I need to understand because she helps me to grow. She’s my…*sigh*.
This is making MY brain hurt.
I guess I’m gonna have to be selfish. I guess I’m gonna have to love because I am selfish. I suppose I’m going to keep trying to change the World because of MY friends.
*Head between hands and sigh*
There are a lot of people that my tiny world interacts with. There’s Z and LD and a bunch more. If I didn’t mention them all, I hope they realize that it isn’t a slight. Oops, self just re-entered. I don’t want them to feel slighted because I don’t want them to think badly of ME…I’d input an other *sigh* there but, then that would fill the page if I did it every time I sighed while I was writing this.
I want “equal protection under the law” so that I can dance in the streets with MY friends. I want Paganism to be respected by the majority denominations so that MY “bftinmw” can not be marginalized for her faith. I want MY friends to be given dignity and respect by everyone. I want the world to see them as the treasures they are and be jealous of ME for having them. *sigh* “Having them”. I don’t “have” anyone. I have been allowed, by them, to share their path for this season.
I don’t really want to change my views on some things.
My faith, “heretic Christian”, will remain my faith.
My selfishness, is going to remain. It is a part of me. It is what makes me so protective of my loved ones. It is why I am so loyal. It is why I refuse to be judgmental of people I know.
I’ll keep my past as it shaped my present and my future. I like the person I am now.
I’ll keep the blog because it forces me to slow down. I’ll keep setting these “stones”. *There’s a post about the name of this blog, you can read it or not*
I’ll keep hoping that y’all understand that, if you introduce yourself, that you have gone from “not mine” to part of “MY” and you will realize the difference. In my world, you are important because you are not “them”.
For what it’s worth, find someone that makes you “my”. Look for someone that sees you as an individual and not a “them”. Find someone that treasures you for yourself and is willing to stand up for you. Make those people part of your “my”. There is nothing wrong with “my”. There’s nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to wanting the best for “my friends. It’s what we do. Let it really all be about me, even if the me is you.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s not so bad that I really am selfish.