This is a revisit of the thoughts that were brewing in my last visit here. It’s gonna be interrupted by going to work, so, it’ll probably change track in mid-thought. I apologize in advance.
My last one was about this shiny new toy. Love. I was thinking more about it. It’s what I do. That in mind, here we go.
Responsibility, in the context of this thought, is different than the day to day things that make adults live the circumstances of what it takes to physically exist. I’m not talking, in this context about going to work on time, paying bills, or any of the other physical constructs.
The responsibilities I’m talking about here are the harder ones. The ones that require real work. The ones that keep you up at night. The ones that make you question self and concepts of right and wrong.
I think my first responsibilities are to myself. My toy is kind of like a wood burning pencil. You can use it to create, with practice, beautiful art. You can also burn the snot out of your fingers or burn the house down. Does that make sense? If I want the art, I gotta watch out for the heat.
I don’t go out and think I’m going to love everyone I come into contact with. I really don’t even expect to LIKE everyone I come into contact with. It’s not the way I’m wired. I have to protect myself. I have worth. I will not let a desire to be loved allow everyone in. That’s not a bad thing. I think, and this really is just my opinion, that there becomes a point that casual use of the word “love” deflates it’s value. I very rarely, tell someone that they are loved by me. I’ve called some people “my treasures”. Those people are loved by me. They have earned me spending my love on them. Again, I hope this makes sense outside of my own head.
My responsibilities toward you, my loved ones, are also complex.
First, I owe it to you to be able to love me. I have to be able to honestly look at all of my self and find worth. I have to see my weaknesses and strengths. I have to be able to not wallow in self-loathing. If I can not do that, then what I am expressing to you is not love. What it is is being a parasite. It is trying to take something from you that feeds a lack in me.
Second, I don’t believe that love is blind or unconditional. Sorry, I just don’t. I do believe that we look at the entirety of who we love and decide that they are worth loving even with the conditions and weaknesses. That we decide that we don’t care that they like Fords and we like Chevys. That their politics and ours are opposite poles. That we have looked at the conditions and decided that we can live with that. As an aside, “love the sinner but, hate the sin” is NOT love. Period. That word “but” translates as “please disregard the previous”.
*editorial, this is the protest bit. being gay is not a sin. being of the faith that God created you to be is not a sin. for my Pagan friends, I believe that God created you Pagan. you don’t. that’s fine, it’s just a perspective thing*
I do put conditions. I’m willing to risk hurt, once. I will not give you a second chance. I don’t expect you to give me one, either. I’m not talking about accidental offense. What I mean is intentional emotional harm. I do expect you to see my weaknesses…and strengths.
*insert 10 hour break to go to work here*
More on the responsibilities. It is part of my end to give the people, or person, I love my best. It doesn’t mean that I have to be perfect. I can not. It does mean that, if they are worth my love, they deserve the attempt. Any less sells both them and me short and, in my opinion, isn’t love but, something less.
It also has the honesty to not ask “why”. Meaning, I shouldn’t ask “why do I love them?” I might not like the answer. It means I don’t get to ask “why do you love me?” That question has a meaningless answer. If I have a reason to love someone or they a reason to love me, I believe that it’s not love. Besides, “why” is the unanswerable question.
It has the responsibility of “publicness”. Meaning, that if I love someone I have to tell them. I should not be ashamed to tell the world. If I can’t bring myself to do that, then I don’t think it’s love. It means that you are willing to say “I love this person for the whole of themselves” to anyone that will listen. That I am proud that the folks I love are who they are.
Something that also occurs to me is this. I do not love my wife as much as the day I married her. I love her more. Love either grows or goes away. I find that the longer I love her, the more love I have for her. Does that make sense?
I’m not a person that runs on emotion. That’s why this group of thoughts keeps being worked out. For me, this is self exploration. I’m still learning about this toy. I’m still learning about myself. I’m finding that the more I learn the more I question.
Like the last time, I’d like to thank my first, and last, love, my wife. I’d like to thank Aj, Z, and Leanna. I’d thank a bunch more people but, I hope they realize there is neither time nor space. Sorry about the disjointed ramble. I’m sure that there will be more of them. *grins* Deal with it.