Yeah, it’s been “that” kind of day. You know, the kind where I try to think and then find the words to say what I’m thinking? Where you search for the words to put feeling into this little white box. The kind of day where you try to express something you really don’t understand yourself ? Also, the kind of day where you find that the words that you know just don’t do what you want them to do. Here are some of the ones I’m wrestling with today…
I want to tell my wife that I love her. What I want that word to express is that she means more to me than my next breath of air. That, if it weren’t for her, that i would probably be messily dead or completely self-imploded. That she’s a part of me more valuable than any of my own flesh. That when she leaves the room, it’s an empty space and, when she comes back, it’s filled up without her saying a word. That I couldn’t imagine life without her. What I get is “I love you, Dear”. See, even here, the words fail me.
Then there’s the telling of friends that I love them. Z, are you reading this? What I want to say is that their lives and their beings are as important to me as my next meal. That, aside from my wife, they are as important as anyone I know. That they are precious. Not in a possession sense but, in an intrinsic value because of how they contribute to my world sense. That the word “like” is not strong enough. That “I like you to pieces” doesn’t have the same meaning. That I want the world to see in them, and they in themselves, what I see. That, as long as I am allowed, they are not alone. That I love them.
For me, this is a very loaded word. It is a step below “spouse” and above the non-existent word that is below it. I do not call everyone I know “my friend”. I wish there were words that had some kind of degree attached. I like a lot of people. I love my friends and my wife. Does that make sense?
There’s a word that doesn’t do justice to what it means. A hug is more than just physical contact. It is being wrapped in love and safety at the same time. It isn’t an implied precursor to anything. It is, of itself, contained. It has all of the emotional energy it is possible to give away and get in return.
Try this one. I don’t “accept” you for who you are. I just don’t care that there are some parts of you that aren’t the same as me. It doesn’t bother me one way or the other. Where it does affect my self is when someone tries to make you less for the parts of you that they don’t accept. “Tolerate” is kind of related. It implies that some how I allow you to be you. Nope, I don’t get a vote on that. If I find myself in a position where I am offended by who you are. I can leave. I do not get to tolerate you.
It’s been one of those days where all i want to do is sigh. Where I would do anything in the world to fix some things. No, Aj, I’m not worried. I merely wish things were different for some people I love. I wish I could give a real hug and not a virtual one. I wish I had better words.