I am unable to be blackmailed. I have taken all the skeletons out of my closet and showed them to the light of day. There is no one that I value that doesn’t know what they are. That wasn’t always the case.
I used to be an addict. Addicts hide. Mostly we hide from ourselves. Everyone else around us knows we are an addict. We even admit it to ourselves then, we use so we can hide it from ourselves. It takes a particular kind of dishonesty to do that. It takes mental gymnastics that I have gladly unlearned.
One of my greatest weaknesses is that I “overthink”. I never seem to be able to accept things at face value. Given a lack of information, my mind searches for answers without any clues. I try to solve problems that do not exist. I worry about how people feel because of what I perceive that I might have done. I replay conversations in my head looking for clues. I wish I didn’t.
That’s what I love about Z. What you see is what you get. You don’t have to look for clues. She can be taken at face value. *editorial, I have placed a high value on her. Make no mistake about that* She doesn’t seem to hide from herself. She sees both the good and not so good in herself. She doesn’t hide from anyone. If she did, I would not be writing these posts because, we would have to hide her. She is one of the most entirely honest people I know.
I think that there’s a level of dishonesty, too. *editorial, you KNEW this was going to be a “protest” post* That dishonesty is among the people that say that she has less value because she is gay. They want to put her down in the name of “morality”. I think that is a dishonest view. I think that, to be honest, they want a sense of moral superiority so that they might feel better about themselves. That, by gaining an external focus, they would not have to think about themselves. An external threat that you can call an existential threat is much easier to face than your own fears or failings. At least, that’s the way I see it.
Perhaps I am overthinking. Perhaps it is as simple as “haters gonna hate”. Still, honestly, I’d rather stand beside Z and be hated for taking her side. I’d rather have one honest friend *editorial, I have several, luckily, honest friends* than to be surrounded by liars that say what I want to hear.
Honestly, I hope the need for this blog goes away. I pray that it will be sooner rather than later. I realize that when the issue of marriage equality, and the legal baggage that goes with it, is resolved by the USSC then the law will be the law. That will be great. I have to tell the truth, though, I LIKE writing about Z. I really enjoy the chances it gives me to try to build her up. I appreciate that she picked me to be on her team.