My “Flat Sides” or Who I Am

I haven’t written one of these in a long, I think, time. Guess I want this stuff out of my head. In the words of my father “everyone has their flat sides”. Here are mine…

I try to be polite here. There are days that “polite” is not a word anyone, except customers, would use to describe me. Sometimes, the word I use most often starts with an eff.

I have “political” views. I don’t, to the best of my ability, let them out on this page. I don’t want anyone to write off Human Rights as a Liberal, Conservative, or Libertarian issue so, I do my best not to let you know how I might vote or what my views on any other issue might be. Please don’t ask. If you want to know, look me up on Facebook and send a friend request.

I have my “monsters”. I’m a meth “survivor”. After 8 1/2 years clean, it still terrifies me. As a result, I don’t drink because, if I started, I’d have given myself permission for all the rest. Z helps with that. When my monsters try to crawl out, I ask her to pray for me. My wife helps, too. I will not risk her loss by relapse. Still, it scares me.

Related to that last, I have little tolerance for people that make excuses or act like a victim of their own actions. There are very few “true” victims in this country. A victim is someone that has something inflicted on them by an other person. A victim is not someone that is an addict of any substance or behavior. *editorial, In my opinion, being gay is NOT a behavior* I don’t blame anyone else for what I did and hold others to the same standard. It doesn’t work. *sigh*

I fight a tendency to be a bully. Not a physical one, if you knew me, you’d know why. I’m tall and skinny as hell. My problem is that I can be a mental bully. I know it. It is hard for me to keep from picking on someone that, I think, is doing something stupid or lazy. When encouraging doesn’t work on them, I turn into a total jerk.

I am lazy, too. It expresses itself by overcompensation. I bust my tail because I KNOW I’d rather be doing nothing.

I am biased. I know that Z isn’t perfect. *sorry Z* I also know that I don’t really care. She’s my friend and I refuse to let myself see her as anything but perfect. Same for my wife. I will ALWAYS be on their sides, even if I think they’re wrong about something. I apply that bias to issues. Something might be logically different than the way I want it to be but, if it affects someone I love, I’ll take their side and damn logic.

This blog is not as altruistic is it seems. Part of the definition of that word is “selfless”. I really do write for Z. I am selfish. I want good things for my friend. I want them for my family. I worry that I would have not been part of the Civil Rights Movement 50 years ago because it wouldn’t have been personal. This time it is personal, as a result, I write. Sure, it is to help others but, in the end, it is for Z.

I struggle with my faith. I am Christian. Yet, there are times I’m filled with doubt and fear. There are times that I wonder if my path is correct and my beliefs valid. I also struggle with the contradictions in the Bible. I try to ignore or disregard the parts I don’t like or agree with. I also, after much thought, use the “red letter words” ie Jesus’ words as a default position and ignore the misogynistic and legalistic parts. That could be called, rightly, “cherry picking”. I don’t care because I refuse to use my faith to call my friend, Z, anything less than “created in God’s Image”. *see comment about bias* That makes me a “Heretic Christian”. That’s how I describe my faith.

I am a hermit. I like the interaction of the net. I like that people don’t come visit our house. I have a job that forces interaction all day long. When I’m home, I want to stay home and not go out. Never gonna find me running around with the boys.

I’m also distrustful of organized anything. I don’t think that the groups that are pro or anti, and make money at it, are out for anything but more money. If they were, when the issue was decided, they’d refund the leftover funds to their contributors and close. Hasn’t happened yet.

I “overthink” everything. My mind races along. In the absence of information, I tend to fill in the gaps with my fears and doubts. I worry about offending friends and then tell them all of my thinking when I should have just kept my thoughts to myself.

Reading this sounds like a harsh version of myself. It sounds hard on me. It really isn’t. I acknowledge my humanity. There is a bunch that I like. In my mind, the good in me outweighs the bad. I just wanted these out in public. It helps to be “un-blackamailable” *made up word*

I am a goof. I am a nice guy. I am a good husband and a loyal friend. I love my wife with all my heart. I do believe the words I write here in support and encouragement. I am a good cook and love cooking for people. I am a “helper guy”. I’ll be the first to volunteer for a project that helps someone. No matter what I say, I do like people. I’m not the grouch I pretend to be. I am sappy. I do not regret my past because it made my present. There’s a bunch more but, these are enough.

I don’t know if anyone will read this post. It is neither protest nor encouragement. I’m not sure that I care. This post was for me. It was to clear out some mental baggage and be honest with y’all. At least, this way, you can’t say I didn’t warn ya.

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2 comments

  1. Blogs are meant to be a place to say what you need to say. No apologies required. I always remind myself that if someone stumbles upon something I post and doesn’t like it, well, they can just move right on to another blog.

    1. There ya go. I think that “what you see is what you get” is a semi-motto of mine. Besides, it helps me to get that stuff out of my head and look at it. I’d rather someone read it and decide to drive on, than to, later, come back and say “why didn’t you tell me”. Since I’d made my daily “protest post”, I had a chance.

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