This post is by my “best friend that is not my wife”. It is very personal to her and her family. For what it’s worth, I had to tell my father that he had not seen me sober during my adult life, 20 odd years. That was NOTHING compared to what Tim did. Here’s the post…
Friday, August 22, 2014
We’ll Burn in Hell Together!
I have forever been an advocate of equality. Racial equality, sexual equality, gender equality, you name it. In my mind you are the person you are, not the title you wear. Who you are on the inside is so much more important that what clothes you wear or what church you go to.
I am fed up to my eyebrows with people who claim to love and be good people only to show themselves as extremely judgmental and controlling.
About a month ago I discovered that my husband of the last seven years (we have been a couple for 10) is gay. He has spent his whole life lying and suppressing who he is because of the controlling and overbearing opinions of his parents. As much devastation that this has brought into my world, as much as this has totally shattered all my hopes and dreams for my future, I have tried my hardest to stand behind him and be supportive. We have had very many emotional outbursts in the last month but the top priority and what we keep coming back to is the well being and what is best for our 3yr old daughter. (Remember the monster that painted my house in lavender hand lotion?) We feel that it is best that she has her Mommy and her Daddy.
This morning my husband finally gathered the nerve to tell our adult children and his parents the truth. This was NOT an easy decision for him and I saw the agony on his face as he delivered the message to each of them. Immediately following the receipt of this message my children responded with all the love and compassion I expected of them. They not only wanted to be sure that their Mom was alright but they wanted their “Dad” to know that this changed nothing and they still love him and support him. Of course they were not happy that their parents are getting divorced, but they were all very supportive of their dad and his choice to finally tell the truth and stand up for who he is.
His children have not responded.
Shortly after sending this message to his parents, on cue and as we expected, his father called him and immediately began to tell him how wrong this is and that he can get help for this. He also began reciting scripture and bible verses and then told my husband how this is killing his mother. With all due respect to my inlaws, All I can say is REALLY?? I mean REALLY??
Your son just stood up and did the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and you are going to start preaching at him and telling him he is wrong? I think he would know whether or not it was a choice to be gay, after all it is HE who is gay. If you are not gay, and obviously since you are so ANTI gay it is safe to say you aren’t, then how in the world would you KNOW if it is a choice or not? You dont! I dont care what you believe or what the bible says. If you believe that and choose to be lead by it that is fine for you. How many times do we have to have the argument that what is good for you is not necessarily good for others? Why in the world can you not accept your son without trying to guilt him into your way of believing? Can you not understand that your controlling and condescending attitude is why we are at this cross road in the first place? Can you not see that had you been more open minded and more accepting of your son in the first place he would not have had to lie and suppress his inner truth and there fore would never have married me and drug myself and my family into this as well?
I am not blaming my in laws for my husband being gay. It is not the ‘fault’ of anyone. It is not wrong so there is no fault. I am not blaming my inlaws for my life being destroyed or devastated. My husband could have been stronger and went against them sooner. What I am blaming my in laws for is the way they are treating him. Don’t tell him you love him but continue to tell him that he is a sinner and that he needs help to see YOUR way of thinking. It is my entire future that has been upended and I am supporting him and standing behind him. Why can’t you?
I have adult children. I know what it is like to be disappointed with some of their lifestyles. I don’t condemn them or guilt them into doing things my way.
I will never understand for the life of me why it is so hard for people to love their children without judgment. I dont understand how you can not set your own feelings aside for just a moment and put yourself in his place. He just told the people he loves and admires the most something he KNEW they would not like and you reacted exactly the way he was afraid you would. What he needs now is support and understanding NOT condemnation and guilt trips. This is not about YOUR pain. This is not about MY pain. This is about a man who has lived his whole life in lies and deceit because he was afraid of your judgments. This is about a man who has finally broken so completely because he couldnt live with the lies anymore. This is about a man that just stood up and did the most difficult thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and a man who needs love and understanding right now.
I know this has turned into a rant and I apologize but I am still very upset on my husband’s behalf. We have a lot of things that we need to sort out. We have decided to divorce. We also are working together to make this an amicable separation and to co parent our daughter so that her life is impacted as little as possible by this. We are trying to come to a place where our friendship can stand strong and outlive the heartache and the loss. This is an extremely emotional time for us and our unit. We will not allow any negativity into it. If you can not be supportive of the changes we are going through and you can not be supportive of the issues that we face then we do not need you to be involved right now.
I have always been the outcast and my soul is prayed for repeatedly because I am not a christian. I am not a bad person. I am not doing anything immoral or wrong. If praying for me makes you feel better, then by all means pray. I am used to shouldering the blame. I am the inlaw after all. I am sure that it will eventually be decided that I have hexed or possessed my husband and I have caused him not to believe in god, which by the way, he came to me for information I have never tried to influence him and I am sure it will come out somehow to be my fault and I have turned him gay.
First off, I dont care what you believe as long as you dont shove it on me. Secondly, I have never put a spell on my husband for any reason. Thirdly, you can not make someone gay. They either are or they arent. Lastly and most importantly, I dont care if you dislike me or blame me. My husband and best friend needs the all the love and support he can get right now and if Me and MY children are the only ones to give it to him then we are all he needs right now. Not a single soul in my family has judged him. My entire family has been supportive and understanding. Maybe that is the reason he is not going “home”. Maybe “home” is what he was running away from.