What Do You Do?

My best friend and her husband are going through a trial. Not a court trial but, a test.

Her husband told her he is gay. They are getting a divorce. She still loves him and he her. They are still best friends. She is still his greatest support and ally. Her friends and family want what is best for the TWO of them. He has been a good husband and father. In fact, from my perspective, I like Tim. I wish it hadn’t happened because I really do like him and think they are a good family. I wish it hadn’t happened. Not because I’m “anti-gay” but, because I wish he had come out before they had built a life together. I wouldn’t wish the disruption on anyone. Divorce is messy…even at it’s best. Aj is taking this better than I would have. Her support is what he needs. I’d have felt betrayed and hurt. She doesn’t, and neither do I, perceive him as “damaged”.

His family, on the other hand, has said things like “this is killing your mother”. They miss the entire point. The point is that their son is brave enough to come to them knowing they will disapprove. He has said, “I’ve been living a lie and I need to tell you the truth”. *editorial, I had to do that with my drug use. It is one of the hardest things a child can do. Going to your parents with something you KNOW will cause strife is harder than I can express* Condemnation and calling Tim a sinner will not change the facts. Your son is gay. Your son came to you and you told him he’s going to Hell for it. Period. How you deal with that determines how your life goes forward. Do you set aside your prejudices and tell your son he is still your son or, do you reject him? No matter what, things can not go back to the way they were before. He, Tim, will move forward. He can not deny who he is anymore. If you decide to live in denial risks losing him. Your son is still your son. The Bible says that all things are within the Will of God. If you believe that, you have no choice but to accept things the way they are.

This is the moment when Tim’s parents are being given a test. It is a pass/fail test. Having a gay son is not a failure. Driving him away is. Your son is a good man. If you reject him, it is your loss. If you can see that your son is still the decent human you raised, you passed. It is your choice.

******

Here’s my view…Aj is my best friend. Period. That doesn’t change if she’s married or not. She loves Tim, married or not. I like Tim. He’s a good guy. It isn’t even close to my place to say how it should have been handled. It is my place to offer hugs and support to them BOTH. I know that things will not be the same…and yet, they will. Tim and Aj will still be their daughter’s parents. They will still love each other. They will still be best friends. They will still be my friends. The only things that have changed are the circumstances…and that Tim doesn’t have to live a lie anymore. That weight has been lifted. Now life goes forward.

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3 comments

  1. Reblogged this on As The Phoenix Rises and commented:
    Seeing someone go through this is difficult. There is still love here, and there is also condemnation for the inlaw. She’s not to blame any more than he is. I am happy that he finally is on the road to accepting who he is as a person. My wish is that the whole family can move forward and heal, and grow. I love them very much and wish only the best for their futures.

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