Why Yes, You Are Correct

Why do people decide to change? I don’t mean things like hair color or jobs or something external. What I mean is why change my perspective? Why look at what I thought was true and decide that I could have been incorrect and reevaluate my view?

I was talking to Gina and she pointed out something to me. She said I was using Aj as a tool, a lever… I keep trying to find words to do what Archimedes said, “give me a lever…” and I keep trying to use Aj as that lever. The thing is, she isn’t a lever or a fulcrum…she may be a “place to stand” but, that’s just for me…

Gina also used another word, “revel”. She said “revel in the love and energy you pour out…” I like that choice of a not often used word. I do, too. I am constantly “amazed”, as an aside I despise the word “amazed” but it fits, at how much being Aj’s friend means to me. She brings a smile to my face when I think about her. She also causes me to think…

What if? What if I had not met her, would I still think the way I used to? Would I be as good a husband as I try to be without her giving me perspective when I screw up? Would I have learned to not be so selfish with trust and love if I didn’t have someone other than Sweety to share it with? Would I have learned that there are other perspectives than the one I grew up with? Would I have learned that “wrong” and “different” are not equal? Whataboutism is a pointless exercise. I still wonder…

Aj is neither the carrot nor the stick. She just is herself. I think what I mean is that she was MY reason. I don’t have the ability to “make” her yours. She isn’t a “lever”. She’s flesh and blood and mortal. I put her on a pedestal because of how much I care for her but, I cannot force anyone else to. I write about, for, and to her because of me…and her…

Changing yourself is hard. I KNOW it is. I am 12 1/2 years clean. That wasn’t as hard as changing what I thought was “right” to include things I did not understand. Learning when I was happy in not knowing, “ignorance is bliss” described ME perfectly, causes lost sleep, acid stomach, and irritation…and growth. I grew. Like the Grinch, my heart “grew 3 sizes that day”…

Gina was right about one other thing, “I would just be praying for others to find a “friend” who is as important to them as Aj is to you “. That is the truth. I do pray that y’all find your own Aj. We all need one like her…even if you can’t have mine…

I almost posted this and thought *grins* I should point out that there are things she and I disagree on…I mean, Holy Smokes, she likes Kid Rock…and doesn’t like bacon. If we can bridge those gaps, anything is possible…

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