Take a Breath

I have a plan…

I’m going to take words out of context. I’m going to dictate to everyone how they must believe. I’m going to say that My Way is the Only Way. I’m going to say that my view of the afterlife is the only correct one. I’m going to scream, metaphorically, that my worldview is the only legitimate one and that every other human on the planet is wrong because they aren’t me…

I’m going to be sad and depressed because I’ve completely isolated myself and the only thing I know how to do is lash out. I’m going to forget that I am imperfect and not realize that I am unable to live up to my own view of myself…I am NEVER going to be at peace.

Nah…

I’m going to forgive my own failings. I’m NOT going to lash-out to disguise that I fall short. I am going to embrace people that see the World with different eyes. I’m going to breathe and relax…

Yeah, I Had to Work at It…

I have been accused of “overcomplicating” things. *grins* What it is is that my mind races along and finds something to fill places where most minds just leave voids. My tiny brain is like a rubber ball in a can in a paint shaker. It bounces off the walls in random directions…This is one of those times…

Someone said, “distance themselves from the judgemental crap.” I am far from that. I am judgemental as Hell. There are things I will ALWAYS, every time, “judge” and find unacceptable. Period. On the other hand, this was my response, ” I did “judge” her. I found her to be quite worth keeping as my best friend for the rest of my life. I stand by that initial judgment.” So, now we have context for where my mind is racing along to…

I asked myself, would we be as close if we were alike. I mean, if I weren’t a “recovering Fundie” and she wasn’t a Witch? My best answer is, “nope”.

Well Hell, why not? The best way to explain is that it took a bunch of initial effort to get past “Witches are going to Hell. How can I be friends with one of them?” Then, once I got somewhat past that, her Practice and Gods took more thought and mental processing. So, just to get to “friends”, for me a very non-casual word, took many, meaning hundreds, of hours and days of thought and introspection…

Yeah, I judged her. I looked at the way she treated me when we first met and I was being “the angry husband guy” because someone that she had some authority over had offended my wife. *editorial, I will go completely ballistic if I “think” you’ve offended my wife. I am incredibly “old fashioned” like that. She comes first. Rude to me? No biggie. Her? All bets are off…* Anyway…I watched how she responded. I looked at the way she lived her life. How she treated her husband and her interactions with her friends and me came under scrutiny…and she did the same with me…

There is a point to all of this, we, she and I, put a bunch of effort into understanding someone with similar values and vastly differing faiths. We, somewhere during that process of investing energy realized that there was a deep friendship. Having to learn, being forced to put that much time into it is a cause…The effect is that I need the challenge that having her beliefs and friendship causes. I NEED to be made to think. It is good for me to question MY views by having a different perspective…

I also need the comfort that her friendship brings. My past life was in constant flux and full of distrust. I count on having her as my best friend almost as much as I count on being married to Sweety. It is reassuring to know that, even if we may fight, they will be around to the end of my life. Yeah, I am able to say that because to my wife I swore an oath before God and man and Aj and I have just given our word, something that both of us take very seriously.

Yes, Aj, my brain bounced around. No, this isn’t overcomplication. It was just a question that my mind asked. If I hadn’t had to work at changing me, would you be as dear to me as you are? We see the long answer. The short answer is, “Who knows? The effort has already been made…” Now we’re at the easy part, grow old knowing that there will be friendship till “old” is no more…

****

Sorry this seems disjointed. Part got written before work and the rest 13 hours later. It’s ok. Just live with the sort of mental gap and read what I mean. *grins*

Help!

“Toleration is the acceptance of an action, object, or person which one dislikes or disagrees with, where one is in a position to disallow it but chooses not to”

I need better words. Sometimes English sucks. The connotations for “acceptance” are also negative. I don’t like them. So…I need a word that means, “we don’t do things the same way because you say you’re a cat and I say I’m a dog and you’re female and I’m male and you’re a Witch and I’m a Heretic and I think it’s cool as s**t that you and I do things so differently because I love the snot outta you exactly like you are and I want to shout from the rooftops how cool that is…”

Anyway, this is a long-winded…well, not for me but, whatever…post to ask y’all if you have any ideas for a word that fits. I couldn’t find any synonyms that work.

I’m Too Lazy to Spell “Annaversary” Correctly and I’m Not Fighting Spell-check…

Bits of mental wanderings…

I have a Facebook page called “Intolerance Sucks”. The first bit of its “About” section reads “This page is founded on the idea that we all deserve respect. That the “content of our character” is far more important than any external differences. That it doesn’t matter your faith, personal identity, or any other dividing line you want to pick. We are all humans and share this rock.” It says, farther down, “If you have read this far and want to stay on this page, I have only a little bit of a request. Please do not be a troll. Respect that everyone is welcome here as long as there is no hate. I will not allow someone to be threatened, harmed, or harrassed. I will not warn. I will block and ban.” So, someone that I “knew” from FB that came to my personal page and compared being gay to being a pedophile came to IS and trolled. Why? What possible outcome other than being blocked and banned could he have expected? I am fine with discussing differing views. Who knows, one or the other of us might change our mind? On the other hand, I really despise dogmatic internet trolls…

*grins* Ya know what happens when you know one witch? You seem to find more. Ya know what else happens? Your mind gets opened…and closed. *grins again* My Witch opened my mind, she would say “I gave you a chance to learn” but, I disagree. She opened it to the possibility that there are more possibilities. Another thing that happened is that I cannot watch fictional witches. *grins 3rd time* I can’t imagine how irritating it is for them…

Who says Magik isn’t real? I have magik beans that I put into hot water that turn me from a drooling idiot into a semi-functional human. I am also celebrating my 8th wedding “Day that We Get to the Same Place We Were in Our Orbit this Time 365 Days Ago”. That she still puts up with my bad jokes is also magic.

I think that about covers it. Nothing major. It’s good to be me. If y’all have something to add, go for it. Have a good “whatever time of day it happens to be wherever you are”.

Time to Simplify

How to Christian…
Love your neighbor…Do to people as you would have them do…Do not judge, in other words, “look to your own soul”…Remember the Good Samaritan…

How to Husband…
Be kind…Fight fair…Remember you aren’t perfect either…Love with all your heart…Help with everything…Trust…

How to Friend…
Be loyal…Be kind…Be patient…Trust…

Wood smoke on chicken…A smile from your wife…Squirrels chattering…Marrying the Love of your life…Having a friend you love…The smell of rain…Hitting all the lights green and no traffic jam on Friday rush hour…Having Christians AND Witches for friends… Finally figuring out you don’t have to figure out everything…
These things are Magikal…

I don’t have to understand everything…In fact, I really don’t need to. All I have to do is love the people I love and ignore the people that don’t bring peace into my world or theirs. I am a blessed man. Because of my wife, I know that I am worth being loved and have learned to love in return. I have a partner, a teammate forever. My best friend, aka My Witch, has taught me to trust and change my views. I don’t need to know why they picked me. I don’t need to know why they think the way they do. All I HAVE to do is accept it and be content. Neither of them is what I would have expected and far more than I would have ever thought I deserved…

 

 

 

Ok…NOT Math…

Well hell…In baseball terms, “a swing and a miss…”. Yeah, I missed again…Magik ain’t math…

Among other things, like she says, I’m up to my usual overcomplication…and using an incorrect set of analogies…

Not Science. Should be using Cooking…I think…Different skill set. Not coldly empirical. To me, cooking is full of intangibles and soul and love.

It’s all good. There’s only “the rest of my life” to figure it out. *grins* I am relaxed, just eagerly relaxed. I’m learning about New Thing(s)…and that is fun. That’s the nice thing about being me. As long as it doesn’t offend my wife or Aj, I can do what I want to do. Learning about what’s important to Aj is what I want to do. It’s like writing this blog, I want to do it. If I didn’t, I’d quit…or take another year and a half break…

Anyway…I am “busily”…in a very relaxed manner…looking at ways to “undercomplicate”…Look at the bright side, this isn’t me trying to learn to send energy. THAT was an “adventure”. *grins*

Crap, Forgot a Title

Stuff…just early morning, had a nightmare so I couldn’t sleep, too much coffee to go back to bed, clearing my mind stuff…

I don’t particularly want to be introspective. That’s an odd thing since I tend to be. I spend quite a bit of time trying to figure out what I can do to be a better husband to My Sweety and a friend to My Witch. Those things are important to me. If effort can help me be better at them, then they get effort. Those women are important but, particularly to me. Between them they are my world so…yeah…I’ll be introspective…this blog is merely an extension of that process…

I have a “policy”. I think it’s important to me to tell the Ladies that I love that I love them as often as possible. Not to be needy but, I don’t when that “last chance” is going to be so, I don’t want to miss that chance. At the “end of things” I won’t want more money or time at work. I’ll want a few more minutes to tell them I love them…

Grammar counts…except when you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. *grins* Then you use the words you have to grasp at concepts and ideas that you barely know exist so that you may develop the grammar to get to where you want to be. Meaning, I haven’t got the first f**king clue how some of the stuff Aj is trying to teach me works but, if I can find words I understand to be able to find the words she means, we’ll get there…

I tend to put My Sweety and My Witch on “a” pedestal. I KNOW they are human. I KNOW that they can be sarcastic, irritable, grouchy, short-tempered with stupid people, impatient, stubborn, and a whole boatload of others. I know these things, *grins* I’ve seen them directed at me. *grins again* So what? I keep saying about them “she may not be right for anyone else but, she’s perfect for me”. I am those things, too. It isn’t the things that put people off that I see…mostly…as disadvantages. I also see two people that, when they have decided that you are “worth the effort” actually make the effort. I see kind, patient, loving, trusting, fearless, and loyal. Did I mention that they are “too smart for MY own good”? I get those from them. I need those things from someone. I got lucky and found two people that give those to me. They give me their “whole selves” and not just “company manners”…I don’t want “perfect”.I for damn sure don’t need perfect. I want them to be just what they are…

It’s good to be me. I love my wife dearly and it’s returned. I love my best friend dearly and it’s returned. I have a job I can tolerate and it stays at work. I am mostly healthy…well, any 55-year-old house has a few creaks and groans…There is food in my kitchen. The air-conditioning works. I have most of my mind. I am stubborn as hell and that’s a good thing…yeah, it’s good to be me.

…and yeah, Aj, we WILL teach me to understand…even if you have to pound my head to mush, pour out the goop, and pour new stuff in…

She Did Lose Her F**king Mind…and I Really Appreciate That…

I imagined a conversation between My Witch and some other random friend of hers…Apologies in advance because I wrote it the way I would speak.

Hey, how’s it going?
Well, I’m teaching Miller about magik…
You’re teaching him about what?!”
Magik…
Have you lost your f**king mind? He’s never gonna get that and he doesn’t even want to Practice.
Yeah but, he’s like a Border Collie pup. He means well but, he’s clueless without training.
Think he’s going to get it?
Maybe…*flip flops hand in air*…he’s gonna try. Maybe 50/50 chance…this month…
So, why not just tell him to Google it?
Well…he said that he doesn’t care about what other witches do and I believe him…and he ain’t gonna ever get it if we confuse him with too many voices…
Gotcha…you have lost your mind but, I gotta admire your attempt.
Nope, he’ll get it…eventually…
So, where are y’all at?
Elements and elementals. You know, he thought Earth was made of dirt…
*facepalm* …better you than me…
*sigh* I know, right…

I do think she’s lost her mind. If it were me, knowing me, I’d probably not put the effort into it that she will. I’d just let me go on with my assumptions thinking “close enough for government work”. I expect that she won’t do that. She will keep “working the problem” till she’s sure I understand. That’s yet another reason I love her…and no, I’m not trying to learn to practice. I am trying to learn because she would have me learn. It’s an “effort thing”. Some people and their friendships are “worth the effort”. My Witch is one of the two, Sweety being the other, that I am willing to work at…I use the word “grateful” when I talk about her. I use it a bunch. I am also grateful for her patience and persistence.

I had another thought… I keep saying I’m inordinately proud of her. Here’s another reason why. Her path is not easy. She could have avoided it when the Goddesses and Gods called to her. She could have hidden and been a “closet witch”. She did neither. If you know her, she could no more be false to you than she could to herself. *grins* Watch this spot for more reasons…

“Is” not “Has”…

“My Witch…” Sometimes I become concerned when I use that phrase. Not because of how My Witch takes it but, that people that aren’t us “may” see it as a patriarchal possessive term. It isn’t. It isn’t a convenience either. It IS possessive, though. It is in the sense that I also refer to My Sweety. It’s a title and an encompassing term for someone that is more than a mere and overused phrase “best friend. There has only ever been one My Witch and there will never be another, just as My Sweety is a unique term. *sorry, needed that out of the way up front. Now, on with the story…*

It was lesson time again last night. I am trying to find a frame of reference for how magik works. It is entirely out of what I know. My Witch was trying to explain elements. I just wasn’t grasping the concept. I kept trying to use “mundane” descriptions when she said something was a quality. She kept saying Earth IS Stability…and I kept getting stuck on that as a description. Today I had an insight. I think I get it. Here goes…

My Witch is Honor. It isn’t a word that describes her. When we meet the Great Beyond, when we are dispersed to where ever we variously believe that we go, she, the smallest bit of her being will BE Honor. It will be that in the smallest or largest amount. It is all the same. Her Being is Honor and that does not define a quality. She is that. Just as she IS My Witch. No matter how scattered, the tiniest bit is the whole. I will, in whatever fashion we exist in after we’ve left this plane, recognize those two things…

Elements are the same as that bit…Earth is Stability. It is not what it does. It just is. Water is Fluid. It may flow, that is also true but, the state of it is Fluid…I “think” I get it. The smallest is the same as the whole…

I am a bit dense. That’s what she was trying to tell me last night. I think I understand. I just have to find terms that fit and then let them soak in. I’m learning…again…not to use but, to understand. I am not a musician but, I understand Music Theory. I have some of that background. It helps me to see the skill and art and passion. That’s why I’m trying and that’s why I’m pestering her. My Witch uses magik. She is a magikal being. To understand her, I need to understand the rest. Otherwise, what I see is not the whole. The whole is important…more important than I realized…

WTF? Fragile?

I have a visual image…

I see Aj, standing in the back of her Jeep. There’s a driving rain and her hair is wild and blowing. A bolt of lightning crosses the sky behind her. She is holding a flamethrower at her hip. Heat rises from the nozzle. At her feet are the charred corpses of her enemies…

She said I was trying to make her “fragile” when I suggested buying a flamethrower. Nope. Not her. “Fragile” is not a word that comes to mind…More like, “damn glad she’s on MY side”…Yeah, I love My Witch to bits…