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Holy Smokes

It’s been almost a year since I last wrote…I left because I was fed up with “politics”. I felt that Reason had long since become disgusted and wandered away. I am not “political” in the sense that I identify with a party or specific ideology. I also believe that the topics that I’ve written about, meaning, Religious Freedom, the fact that Women have worth and should never be physically or emotionally abused and, LBGT Rights transcend politics…

I left because I was fed up with “politics”. I felt that Reason had long since become disgusted and wandered away. I am not “political” in the sense that I identify with a party or specific ideology. I also believe that the topics that I’ve written about, meaning, Religious Freedom, the fact that Women have worth and should never be physically or emotionally abused and, LBGT Rights transcend politics…

I also left because I was at a point where I felt like I had said all I could say and was reaching burnout. In addition, my own tiny family, meaning, my wife, needed every bit of my emotional energy…

I am writing this one because I want to reaffirm and restate what I always believed.

  • What your beliefs do not make you good or bad. There are bad Christians, good Pagans and, indifferent Atheists. The “content of your character” comes from within and not a system of belief.
  • Women have worth. Period. They are not chattel. They are not objects. They are not punching bags or targets for torment. They are our mothers, sisters, daughters, coworkers, fellow humans, wives, partners, and any other phrase or word you choose to describe them. They are the equals of men. They are the ONLY gender capable of giving birth to humans. We owe them our lives and they deserve to be treated with the respect that has well earned.
  • Your sexuality is your own. Yeah, I think the LBGT Community has gotten a rough deal from the majority of my Cis-het Christian Community but, the fact that you are ANY of the previous doesn’t make you “special”, it makes you human. There are over 7 billion people on the Earth. All of them have some form of sexuality … including a desire to have none. All it boils down to, in the end, is that you don’t deserve to be persecuted for who you f**k. That’s it.

I started to write this as a response to the Fear that seems to pervade today’s society. Thing is people have been saying for thousands of years “the end is near” and it hasn’t happened yet. The fears of today are nothing but the flavor of the month. We have survived both wise men and fools in high office. We have survived War and Famine. We have made it through everything Nature can throw at us. The troubles of today pale in comprison to those of the past. The only difference it that today’s are happening now…

Perhaps it’s merely my age that gives me some tiny bit, I hope, of wisdom and perspective but, I am less concerned about how the World treats me and more concerned about how I treat y’all. It isn’t the Alfred E. Neuman, “what, me worry?” as much as it is that I really don’t want to waste the energy concerning myself with things I can not change and may not even happen…

…I don’t really know if this post means I’m back or is just to say that my views haven’t changed…

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An “I Worry” Monologue

Sometimes I worry…

When we are “talking” there are fits and starts…long pauses…backspace out…rethinking…because I worry.

I worry that you won’t understand because there’s no tone of voice or facial expression in a typed word.

I worry that you will, someplace in some corner of your mind, think I disapprove of you. That somehow, my jokes, feeble as they may be at times, will make you think I see your “reputation” that I care not the tiniest bit about.

I worry that a joke or comment about buying a skirt, you remember that one, hunh? That comment, so completely out of character for me, will make you think that I see you as just a body, a “booty call”, and not who you are. That you think in some way I am visualizing you in “the act” and that makes you some kind of imaginary porn star.

I worry about MY motives. I worry that my jokes are to make me less concerned. That by joking I make it easier to be not *looking for a word that expresses care for the psyche and squishy parts* as *use word I was looking for* much as I do because I’m making light of you. That I use joking to keep ME from being worried or concerned. I am. Every time.

I am a bit of a prude. Not as a matter of judgment or care for reputation or who I associate with or what happens to MY name but, to yours. I worry that some of the things you do will cause you grief in some future place. That you will look back with regret. I know what you’ve told me of the guilt you sometimes have. I know that feeling. It sneaks up in the dark when you least expect it. It makes you, read me, want to say “fuck it, you ain’t seen nothin yet” and go FAR off the deep end just because…

I worry because, to me, some of the “games” you play seem dangerous. Note the phrase “to me”. That the risks you take will get you harmed or dead. That there’s a tiny line between thrill and “demons released” and that, once out, they will not stop until they’ve fed on a victim…and that victim is you. You see, I trust that to you it’s play and release but, to the person USING you, they are real demons that will do real damage. There is never a spot where I will not worry about that. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week.

Look, I know that you think you’re not some China Doll to be wrapped in tissue and kept in a box on a shelf to be jealously guarded, only brought out for special occasions or to be shown to guests. That doesn’t keep me from wanting to, though. I KNOW that you have to live your life…and I don’t want to stop you but, that doesn’t keep me from being scared FOR you.

I worry that the things you say about yourself are because you think you are those things. When you say “booty call” or a mutter about your “reputation” I hope that isn’t all you think you are. Truth be told, baring my soul, was I not married, I’d drive up there so that and go out with you knowing that those are what you think exist, and possibly do, to go where people that think those about you and show off how proud to be “on your arm” I would be. I’d love to go up there and have them think “doesn’t he know?” and be thinking back, “fuck y’all I do know what you think, so what?” If all they see is reputation don’t buy into it…and I worry that you do. That you slight yourself.

I also worry that writing blogs about you makes you revictimized. That I am “using” you. That you have to relive the events. Yeah, I know that it helps to process, it does my demons, too. Doesn’t stop me from worrying. I worry that when I think about things that somehow, in my skewed logic, I am seeing those actions take place like some kind of audience that you do not need. That in some way, I am a participant in those actions. *I know I’m not and my worry is irrational but, emotions are irrational sometimes*

Yeah, I also worry that I use too many words. *sigh* That they lose their impact. That the “squishy words” have been used, by me, too many times or the concerns that I tell you get lost in the repetition. I know I say a lot. A friend used to tell me “I want to know what time it is, not how to build a watch”…and I still tell how to build the watch…that really is a point, that overtalking makes you think that it’s just so I can see myself talk and not that I care. If you saw the lost sleep, the random head shakes during the day, the muttered “damn it”‘s under my breath, you’d realize that NEVER will your impact, even in the brief time since we’ve been talking, is beyond what you or I realize…

Anyway, yeah, I worry, all the time. Yes, it’s what I do. No, I don’t worry for everyone, in fact, for very few. I don’t worry as much for the other 3 you know because they don’t need it. Maybe I am wrong, maybe you don’t need it either but, till my subconscious knows it and convinces my conscious, I’ll still be worried. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be true to me…or you…

In the end, I don’t know that you believe it but, you’ve implied in a thread where you said “you find a Miller” that you were lucky for finding me…and you don’t realize that you honor me by letting me into your world. NQD says “that’s cute” when you tell him you love him and really doesn’t have a clue how hard those words are for you, how scared you are of them. I do. I am in awe of the fact that we even have the quote “squishy words” that mean what they do. Just that phrase means more to me than you telling him you love him because he doesn’t know…and if he doesn’t figure it out, I know you, you won’t even try to clarify. Yeah, thanks for inviting me in and letting me worry. Till the end of my days, I will. Someone should, not out of obligation but, because they want to care for you. That is me.

 

 

The Worth of a Soul

 

I was talking to someone and she said this, “And deep down, we had a masochist, a young, teenage slut, who wanted nothing more than to curl up in a hole and die, because she was dirty, scared, and shamed.”

Does something ever put you in a spot where you want to simultaneously hug and protect one person and beat the crap out of everyone else that surrounds them? This did…

Let’s take this from the top. Why would you want to harm someone you allegedly love? Meaning who taught her to be a masochist? Who convinced her that she was a “teenage slut” and forgot that we don’t have a problem with teenage “boys will be boys”?

When she wanted to “curl up in a hole and die”, who was there to hold her and tell her that she was more than a “slut”…and while I’m at it, why is it so wrong to enjoy sex?…

That’s the last part, “dirty, scared, and shamed”…

Why?

Dirty? Not this young Lady. Nope, that isn’t what I see. I see smart, hard working, ambitious, attractive.

Scared, yeah, because society says she should be…of what, though? Not that what I think should matter or that my opinion should make a difference in a far away life but, if she’s scared of what the people close to her think, it isn’t her that’s messed up, it’s them…

Shamed, who told her that? Who told her that the standard that made it ok for her partner made it wrong for her? What idiot hypocrite said that because she’s a girl she’s not supposed to enjoy sex and if she does, it’s wrong? What bunch of morons decided that she deserved shame?

I have to ask myself, if she was my daughter, how would I react?

She is young enough to be my daughter. I think my reaction, knowing it now, would be to tell her she’s beautiful. That what happened TO her was because people are stupidly judgmental. That what she sees and what I see are different. I did tell her that, and will again. I said this, “You are more than an object to be owned and discarded or manipulated.” I also told her that she has greater worth than just being “a good fuck.”

People don’t get to own people. We don’t have the tiniest right to create what she thought of herself.

When did we forget that? What mom tells her kid that she’s dirty forgetting that the same mom had to get laid to have the kid. What dad tells her that she has no worth when he must have thought her mom was worth getting naked with to create the kid? What part of “it takes two to tango” makes half of the people dancing worth less than the other and holds up one as being a “man’s man” and calls the other a “slut”?

Yeah, this pisses me off because now, someone that DOES NOT deserve it and has not earned it, has to learn that she wasn’t wrong. That there’s no harm in enjoying sex. That she has worth beyond just being used and manipulated.

Truthfully, I think she’ll get past the things that were inflicted on her. I think there’s strength and resilience in there. It won’t be over night but, I have faith in the young lady’s ability to listen to reason…

The problem is, some people aren’t her. Some don’t have the chance she had to escape. Some don’t have someone to tell them that the lies are just that, lies.

It is NEVER our right to take away someone’s humanity.

*****

I wrote the part up there before work and was going to end it there. I changed my mind because some things occured to me…

I wonder if some of the reason I am so angry is because I never had any children? Is it because I see someone that would make a fine daughter, one that I would be proud to call my own, treated like she was not worth anything?

Or is it because I see someone that, even given what she’s been through, that were I not happily married and 30 years younger, I would look at as a potential spouse? One that a husband would think “I’m not worth this woman…”

Or is it that I see a friend hurt and I can not do anything to prevent the damage that was done before we met?

Or a combination of all of the above?

*****

These things also crossed my mind while I was at work…

Why do we teach that they deserve to be worth only a spread set of legs and nothing more and then blame them for doing that? They deserve far better. They are far better. A woman is more than a body. If she does get laid then we don’t tell her it’s wrong unless we condemn her partner. We have to be honest with ourselves and ask why we taught them to be masochists? Is it to make ourselves better than them? Why do we have to make them feel bad for us to feel vindicated?

I rarely make promises. This is one of the rare times I will. I promise that no matter what you think of yourself, even when you are old and gray, in my minds eye, there will always be the perfection of that pic of a young mother I pointed out to you. That, in the mirror that is MY minds eye, you are perfect just the way you are. That there is nothing you have ever done that will ever make me think any less and it’s not possible to make me think any more because you need NO improvement. That’s my promise, that with me, just one stranger, you precious and worthy of love and respect.

You Are Not Damaged, You Are Loved

Sometimes what I want doesn’t matter. It makes not the tiniest bit of difference if something causes me discomfort. This period of this blog is a time like that…

I was an addict. Specifically, I used I.V. Meth…the alcohol and weed don’t matter in this context…I am able, still, ten years later, to see the scars on my arm from that usage. In a sense, my body was violated…by ME. I have huge issues with “trust” because of who I was around and who I was. I hated myself. Those were things I inflicted on myself. I WAS NOT A VICTIM…There is no one to blame but myself. The things that were done to me were acts of volition…

I can not imagine what it is like to hate yourself because of something  that someone else did. I can not imagine what it is like to not be able to trust anyone around you because they either could be someone that will violate you or tell you to accept what happened. I can not begin to think about how I would deal with that fear.

Specifically, I do not want to think about how I would react to being raped.

There is no part of that action that should be tolerated. We have a system that blames the victim. That tells her to “get on with your life” as if nothing happened. We pretend like the pain ends when the scars fade.

Distrust never goes away. Being violated never ends. Those may be pushed into the background but, they always live there. The nightmares fade but, some days are worse than others. Looking over your shoulder and expecting it to happen again becomes a way of life.

*editorial, the ONLY basis for comparison I have is as an addict. I am not making any moral equivalent between what I did and being raped. It merely gives me a tiny bit of insight into “surviving”*

I don’t know how to “fix” it. I wish I did. I am good, mostly, at dealing with what I did to me. Some days are bad. Some days, everything reminds me. Some nights, I am afraid to sleep because the monsters come out. Those things I do understand. You are never “cured”. I know that from me and what I’ve been told by friends that have survived.

*sigh*

I wish there was a way to tell the real victims that the pain would end. That there was a way to make them believe that everything will be all right. There is not. All I can do is to tell them that from the outside there is nothing wrong with them. That they had no choice.  That what was taken from them can, in time be replaced. That you can learn to trust. That the only person that sees you as “dirty”, “damaged” or “flawed” is yourself and, to us, you are worth being loved and cherished. That you are not an “object”. That you have value.

I think that, we as a society, have a skewed set of values. We blame the true victims and praise the recovering addicts. Why should I get support and praise for not being a criminal when someone that was harmed by a criminal is made to feel ostracised? Why do we not do everything in our power to help them? What I am able to do is say “You are loved. You have value. Your courage is astounding. That you are able to go on when I’d curl up and hide shows strength I can not imagine having”.

I know I wrote a similar “support post” yesterday. I will probably write more in coming days.

If I thought it would help to write exploring ways to stop the crime, I would. We know it’s a crime. We have made the penalties harsh and extended the punishment far past the time in prison. Those have not stopped it. No child old enough to know what sex is thinks that rape is legal. If you took a poll here, no one would say it’s good, yet it still happens. No amount of penalty seems to make it not happen. *editorial, I AM NOT advocating lighter penalties. My view is far harsher than that. I am in favor of “boxes” for that crime, not rehabilitation* I do not want to understand the psychology of  rapist. No amount of “education” has changed the fact that they exist. They, rapists, know what they are doing is “wrong” and just don’t care.

What can be done is to show empathy to the victims. We, men, can show understanding for “distrust” of us and put our egos aside. We can react with compassion and caring. We can not say, “get on with your life” to someone that has had their life shaken to its core. We can give time and space for healing. We can reassure the victims that, to us, they are the same loved person they always have been. We can let them know that nothing has changed in the way we feel for them, that they are not “damaged goods”. We can let them have room for the “bad days”. We can say “I love you” and let that be enough when they need to hear that and only that…

I love you. Nothing will ever change that.

Aj and Z

Do you ever get to a spot where you need to write something, are worried about how you are going to handle it, and are, most importantly, concerned for the people involved? This is one of those spots…

I write for, and about, equality. The topic, lately, has been “marriage equality” as a way to express human rights. It could, just as easily, be not seeing people with different faiths as human. Either way, we allow ourselves to see “different” as “wrong”.

I don’t like thinking about other people and the act of sex. Not to say I don’t enjoy the act, just none of my business how other people go about it. That’s for them in the privacy of their own lives.

All that to get to this…

Two of my closest friends are Aj and Z. If you read these, I write for and about those Ladies the majority of the time. They have both been in a marriage where one of the spouses “came out”. In Aj’s case, it was her husband. In Z’s case, it was her. I do not begin to know how I would react in either case. I have tried to put myself in their shoes. Without being them, I can not seem to wrap my head around my reaction. *sigh*

I have seen Aj defend her husband to HIS family. I have seen her say that they are still “partners” and “best friends”. She has said that she still loves him and he still loves her. I have seen him say the same. The amount of dignity, strength, and courage shown are beyond what I can imagine me doing.

I know Z. She prays for me when I need it. I know she would never willingly hurt an other human without reason. She is capable of many things. Cruelty is NOT one. I can not begin to know how it must feel to decide that you can no longer live a lie and, by not living it, disrupt the lives of your family. *editorial, “disrupt” isn’t strong enough a word* I think I would have been a coward and avoided the consequences. She was not. She had the courage to be the person she is and not live in denial.

There is a saying “walk a mile in their shoes”. There are times when we can not do that. There are times when all we can do is love the people we love. Where our best response is “I do not understand what you are going through. I love you.” Those times, it is best that we don’t offer advice or judgement. We don’t try to tell them what to do. We just love them and give silent support.

There are no villains in either case. There are human beings trying to do their best. There are people worthy of love and respect. There is courage shown by all the people involved. There is a place to move forward.

This Was Harder Than I Can Imagine

This post is by my “best friend that is not my wife”. It is very personal to her and her family. For what it’s worth, I had to tell my father that he had not seen me sober during my adult life, 20 odd years. That was NOTHING compared to what Tim did. Here’s the post…

Friday, August 22, 2014

We’ll Burn in Hell Together!

So much has happened in my world over the last month. There has been so much confusion, heart ache and devastation. Yet there has also been so much compassion, understanding and growth. I know a lot of you have seen my posts on FB that don’t seem like me. If you have been my friend either in real life or on FB for any length of time then you know that I generally try to be a positive and upbeat person. I am usually very tolerant and patient. I may joke or come off as someone that tolerates no bull but in reality, I try to be very understanding of the plights of others. No matter how hard I try to be understanding, some things just dont make any sense to me.I am about to share with you some very personal and some very sensitive information. If you can not handle pure honesty and 100% truth then stop reading this now. If you can not handle the idea that someone’s opinion may differ from yours, stop reading now. If you are so set in your mind that your belief is the only belief then STOP READING NOW!

I have forever been an advocate of equality. Racial equality, sexual equality, gender equality, you name it. In my mind you are the person you are, not the title you wear. Who you are on the inside is so much more important that what clothes you wear or what church you go to.

I am fed up to my eyebrows with people who claim to love and be good people only to show themselves as extremely judgmental and controlling.

About a month ago I discovered that my husband of the last seven years (we have been a couple for 10) is gay. He has spent his whole life lying and suppressing who he is because of the controlling and overbearing opinions of his parents. As much devastation that this has brought into my world, as much as this has totally shattered all my hopes and dreams for my future, I have tried my hardest to stand behind him and be supportive. We have had very many emotional outbursts in the last month but the top priority and what we keep coming back to is the well being and what is best for our 3yr old daughter. (Remember the monster that painted my house in lavender hand lotion?) We feel that it is best that she has her Mommy and her Daddy.

This morning my husband finally gathered the nerve to tell our adult children and his parents the truth. This was NOT an easy decision for him and I saw the agony on his face as he delivered the message to each of them. Immediately following the receipt of this message my children responded with all the love and compassion I expected of them. They not only wanted to be sure that their Mom was alright but they wanted their “Dad” to know that this changed nothing and they still love him and support him. Of course they were not happy that their parents are getting divorced, but they were all very supportive of their dad and his choice to finally tell the truth and stand up for who he is.

His children have not responded.

Shortly after sending this message to his parents, on cue and as we expected, his father called him and immediately began to tell him how wrong this is and that he can get help for this. He also began reciting scripture and bible verses and then told my husband how this is killing his mother. With all due respect to my inlaws, All I can say is REALLY?? I mean REALLY??

Your son just stood up and did the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and you are going to start preaching at him and telling him he is wrong? I think he would know whether or not it was a choice to be gay, after all it is HE who is gay. If you are not gay, and obviously since you are so ANTI gay it is safe to say you aren’t, then how in the world would you KNOW if it is a choice or not? You dont! I dont care what you believe or what the bible says. If you believe that and choose to be lead by it that is fine for you. How many times do we have to have the argument that what is good for you is not necessarily good for others? Why in the world can you not accept your son without trying to guilt him into your way of believing? Can you not understand that your controlling and condescending attitude is why we are at this cross road in the first place? Can you not see that had you been more open minded and more accepting of your son in the first place he would not have had to lie and suppress his inner truth and there fore would never have married me and drug myself and my family into this as well?

I am not blaming my in laws for my husband being gay. It is not the ‘fault’ of anyone. It is not wrong so there is no fault. I am not blaming my inlaws for my life being destroyed or devastated. My husband could have been stronger and went against them sooner. What I am blaming my in laws for is the way they are treating him. Don’t tell him you love him but continue to tell him that he is a sinner and that he needs help to see YOUR way of thinking. It is my entire future that has been upended and I am supporting him and standing behind him. Why can’t you?

I have adult children. I know what it is like to be disappointed with some of their lifestyles. I don’t condemn them or guilt them into doing things my way.

I will never understand for the life of me why it is so hard for people to love their children without judgment. I dont understand how you can not set your own feelings aside for just a moment and put yourself in his place. He just told the people he loves and admires the most something he KNEW they would not like and you reacted exactly the way he was afraid you would. What he needs now is support and understanding NOT condemnation and guilt trips. This is not about YOUR pain. This is not about MY pain. This is about a man who has lived his whole life in lies and deceit because he was afraid of your judgments. This is about a man who has finally broken so completely because he couldnt live with the lies anymore. This is about a man that just stood up and did the most difficult thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and a man who needs love and understanding right now.

I know this has turned into a rant and I apologize but I am still very upset on my husband’s behalf. We have a lot of things that we need to sort out. We have decided to divorce. We also are working together to make this an amicable separation and to co parent our daughter so that her life is impacted as little as possible by this. We are trying to come to a place where our friendship can stand strong and outlive the heartache and the loss. This is an extremely emotional time for us and our unit. We will not allow any negativity into it. If you can not be supportive of the changes we are going through and you can not be supportive of the issues that we face then we do not need you to be involved right now.

I have always been the outcast and my soul is prayed for repeatedly because I am not a christian. I am not a bad person. I am not  doing anything immoral or wrong. If praying for me makes you feel better, then by all means pray. I am used to shouldering the blame. I am the inlaw after all. I am sure that it will eventually be decided that I have hexed or possessed my husband and I have caused him not to believe in god, which by the way, he came to me for information I have never tried to influence him and I am sure it will come out somehow to be my fault and I have turned him gay.

First off, I dont care what you believe as long as you dont shove it on me. Secondly, I have never put a spell on my husband for any reason. Thirdly, you can not make someone gay. They either are or they arent. Lastly and most importantly, I dont care if you dislike me or blame me. My husband and best friend needs the all the love and support he can get right now and if Me and MY children are the only ones to give it to him then we are all he needs right now. Not a single soul in my family has judged him. My entire family has been supportive and understanding. Maybe that is the reason he is not going “home”. Maybe “home” is what he was running away from.

Collateral Damage

I’m using a post by my friend, Aj for this one…
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Collatteral Damage
Being a water baby I do my best thinking in the shower. While in the shower today a thought occurred to me.

“Do we REALLY have any idea what kind of impact we have with our words?”

I just wonder if the strict bible believing parents who preach that it is a sin to be gay and that it is shameful and immoral, really know what impact they have. Or, more importantly how far that impact can reach.

Let’s just imagine for a moment if we will that we are teaching our children it is wrong, immoral or inappropriate to be gay. Let’s just assume that it worked fine for the first child and that child grew to teach the same things to his/her family. Now let us look at child number 2 or 3. We are teaching all of our children the same lessons. We are teaching them all to have the same values we have. BUT… are we considering the fact that all children are individuals? They each have their own personalities. Are we considering that maybe child 2 or child 3 could be gay? Of course we aren’t. Because being gay is a choice right? Because they could not possibly have been born that way. So we do one of two things, we either refuse to acknowledge and believe they are gay or we chastise them for making a choice that is so wrong and vile. Either way, we are doing detrimental damage to this child.

We raise our children in a world where we tell them they can be anything they want to be. We tell them they can be a doctor or a lawyer. We tell them they can be the next president of the united states. They can be anything they want to be. BUT, They can not be gay. We are teaching our children to live in lies and shame.

When you force a child to live with your values you are refusing to let that child be an individual. You are refusing to let that child bloom into whatever it was they were meant to be. When you are so vocal and so condescending, when you are so judgmental of those that are different from you or what YOU perceive to be good, you are teaching child number 2 or 3 that you will not love them if they are not what you approve of. You are teaching your child to lie and pretend to be some one they are not in order to obtain your love.

As if this is not enough damage, you are damaging the future of this child and all of their relationships. This child was born gay. That is something you are refusing to accept. Because this child knows you will never love them if they are gay, they pretend they are not. Sometimes going through the teen and young adult years alone because they have no idea what they are supposed to do. Sometimes marrying and even having children because that is what “they are supposed to do”. Now your morals and values are far reaching. Now you have an in law and grandchildren that are living the lie. Now there is an innocent party that has been pulled into this lie. This “in law” has no idea that child number 2 or 3 is gay because child number 2 or 3 is still lying to him/herself. Now we have children added to that.

When someone is born gay, and they ARE, they can only fight it for so long. Eventually this child, now become adult, gets tired of living the lie. There comes a point where the NEED to be who you are born to be becomes so overwhelming that at this point, it does not matter who gets hurt. This child has been hurting for so many years and has lived their entire life as a lie, that pain overflows and becomes toxic to all that are involved. The “inlaw” we spoke of becomes collateral damage. Child number 2 or 3 never intended to hurt the “in law”. All they wanted was to please you, the parent. The in law is now devastated, has lost all hopes and dreams and does not understand why they were pulled into a lie to begin with. Child number 2 or 3 experiences the guilt and pain of having hurt someone who was innocent and only loved them. What about those grandchildren we spoke of earlier?

Those grandchildren are now devastated because mom and dad are splitting up. These children now wonder what they did wrong and why their mom and dad dont love them any more. These children are now a product of a broken home. We wont even go into the struggles of a single parent or what THOSE effects have on children, although all of this was caused by your closed mind and refusal to accept that someone could be not only born gay, but be a good person in spite of it.

How many generations do you have to reach down into before you start to realize that maybe, JUST MAYBE, there is nothing wrong with being gay. MAYBE just because you don’t understand it DOESN’T make it wrong. MAYBE you should have been more open minded and loved your children equally and unconditionally. MAYBE, you should have listened to your child instead of your bible.

The bible was written by men. Men have opinions and make mistakes. I am not here to slam anyone that believes in the Christian faith, but to live your life by a book that blatantly contradicts itself in more than one area should make you wonder if it should really be the law of your life.

We as people are free to make our own choices. We are free to choose our faith. We are free to choose our mate. Would you really like it if all of a sudden your choice of a mate or partner were outlawed? What if all of a sudden it was illegal to marry someone of the opposite sex? Would you still be with someone of the opposite sex? I mean after all, laws are made by men. The same type of men that wrote that book. Men that believe that what THEY believe is right and everyone else is wrong.

Think again about how far your impact has reached. You follow a book written by men. Your child is gay and feels unloved their entire childhood. Now you have a grown adult child that is gay and you are struggling to understand how this could have happened. You did everything right. You taught them about brimstone and fire. Why did they do this to YOU?? REALLY?

Why did you do this to them? Why did you do this to their family? Why did you do this to their children?

Why do any of us need to be so close minded that we can not see the pain we are causing to so many? Why can we not just love each other and let them be who they are? Why is any of that an issue or a problem?

My daughter will be raised to know that people are people and that none are superior nor inferior to another. My daughter will be taught to love people for who they are, not for who they love.

How will you raise yours?

I Don’t Know What It’s Like

I read a comment on an article that said the chances of someone supporting marriage equality go up if they know someone that is gay. The comment suggested coming out if it was safe to do it. I am not gay. So, I am uniquely unqualified to comment on the subject of coming out, from that perspective.

This is what I do know. It has to be scary. Meeting someone that is straight and thinking “We could be friends. I wonder how they are going to react…” and not knowing what the response will be would be terrifying. I was in that position a couple of times this year. I was the straight person. In one case, I found out a close friend was a lesbian. In the other case, I found out my “adopted daughter” was a lesbian…right after I told her that if I had a kid I would want them to be like her. Luckily for us, in both cases, it doesn’t make any difference to me. I wouldn’t want them to be any other way than the way they are. Not because they are gay but, because I love the humans that they are. If they were different, they wouldn’t be ladies I cherish.

That, then, is the real issue. I use Z as an example of a human that just happens to be gay. I try and try to convince people to see her for what she is, human. I wasn’t kidding when I told Cassie that I wish she was my kid. I couldn’t be prouder of her if she was my kid. In fact, when Cassie came to visit me at work the other day, I got some very odd looks when I introduced her as my daughter…she’s about 4’11” and I’m 6’4″. We don’t look alike at all. *grins*

When we, as a society, are able to look past the parts of gender identity and sexuality to see the humans involved, the issue of marriage equality simplifies. It becomes “do you love that person?” It becomes “are you willing to make the legal and social contract that marriage involves?” I am not unique. There are a bunch of us that see our human friends as humans.

I’m not sure how to end this post other than to try to say, knowing someone that is gay does change your perspective. In my case, it was long before I knew either of these ladies. If you can find a SAFE way to educate through your life, please do it. If there is the slightest chance that it is NOT SAFE please, please do not do it.

My Friends

The “best” part about having a lesbian as a close friend is…

That’s what I was going to write. Then I was going to list some reasons. Some were to be funny. Other’s were to be serious. Then I was going to comment about how Z was more than just a label.

Calling Z a Lesbian and sticking with that as a label does her no justice. Calling my “adopted daughter”, Cassie, a lesbian and sticking with that does the same. Labels suck.

I didn’t become friends with Z because of the label. I didn’t decide I wanted to adopt Cassie because of the gender she loves. In fact, I became attached to them before I ever found out. Point of fact, I don’t care who they have sex with as long as that person is worth them. Neither is a “floozy”. Both are people with depth and value. If they weren’t, I’d not have had anything to do with them.

*sigh*

Context is the key. I write for them because of WHO they are and not what. Without the context of the blog, it wouldn’t cross my mind at all…except when I send “best wishes” to their girlfriends. When Cassie comes to visit me at work, I don’t tell customers “that’s my gay daughter”. I just think how lucky I am to get a visit. When I call Z, the subject doesn’t come up at all except to ask how her g.f. is doing.

My friend is a human. She is far more than just a label. My “daughter” is a warm, caring, young human that happens to be a lesbian. I couldn’t be prouder of either one of them.

The best part of having a lesbian as a friend is that they let me be their friend. I will as long as they will have me. I’ll count myself as the one who has gained from them. I’m a lucky guy.