Crap, Forgot a Title

Stuff…just early morning, had a nightmare so I couldn’t sleep, too much coffee to go back to bed, clearing my mind stuff…

I don’t particularly want to be introspective. That’s an odd thing since I tend to be. I spend quite a bit of time trying to figure out what I can do to be a better husband to My Sweety and a friend to My Witch. Those things are important to me. If effort can help me be better at them, then they get effort. Those women are important but, particularly to me. Between them they are my world so…yeah…I’ll be introspective…this blog is merely an extension of that process…

I have a “policy”. I think it’s important to me to tell the Ladies that I love that I love them as often as possible. Not to be needy but, I don’t when that “last chance” is going to be so, I don’t want to miss that chance. At the “end of things” I won’t want more money or time at work. I’ll want a few more minutes to tell them I love them…

Grammar counts…except when you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. *grins* Then you use the words you have to grasp at concepts and ideas that you barely know exist so that you may develop the grammar to get to where you want to be. Meaning, I haven’t got the first f**king clue how some of the stuff Aj is trying to teach me works but, if I can find words I understand to be able to find the words she means, we’ll get there…

I tend to put My Sweety and My Witch on “a” pedestal. I KNOW they are human. I KNOW that they can be sarcastic, irritable, grouchy, short-tempered with stupid people, impatient, stubborn, and a whole boatload of others. I know these things, *grins* I’ve seen them directed at me. *grins again* So what? I keep saying about them “she may not be right for anyone else but, she’s perfect for me”. I am those things, too. It isn’t the things that put people off that I see…mostly…as disadvantages. I also see two people that, when they have decided that you are “worth the effort” actually make the effort. I see kind, patient, loving, trusting, fearless, and loyal. Did I mention that they are “too smart for MY own good”? I get those from them. I need those things from someone. I got lucky and found two people that give those to me. They give me their “whole selves” and not just “company manners”…I don’t want “perfect”.I for damn sure don’t need perfect. I want them to be just what they are…

It’s good to be me. I love my wife dearly and it’s returned. I love my best friend dearly and it’s returned. I have a job I can tolerate and it stays at work. I am mostly healthy…well, any 55-year-old house has a few creaks and groans…There is food in my kitchen. The air-conditioning works. I have most of my mind. I am stubborn as hell and that’s a good thing…yeah, it’s good to be me.

…and yeah, Aj, we WILL teach me to understand…even if you have to pound my head to mush, pour out the goop, and pour new stuff in…

Advertisements

She Did Lose Her F**king Mind…and I Really Appreciate That…

I imagined a conversation between My Witch and some other random friend of hers…Apologies in advance because I wrote it the way I would speak.

Hey, how’s it going?
Well, I’m teaching Miller about magik…
You’re teaching him about what?!”
Magik…
Have you lost your f**king mind? He’s never gonna get that and he doesn’t even want to Practice.
Yeah but, he’s like a Border Collie pup. He means well but, he’s clueless without training.
Think he’s going to get it?
Maybe…*flip flops hand in air*…he’s gonna try. Maybe 50/50 chance…this month…
So, why not just tell him to Google it?
Well…he said that he doesn’t care about what other witches do and I believe him…and he ain’t gonna ever get it if we confuse him with too many voices…
Gotcha…you have lost your mind but, I gotta admire your attempt.
Nope, he’ll get it…eventually…
So, where are y’all at?
Elements and elementals. You know, he thought Earth was made of dirt…
*facepalm* …better you than me…
*sigh* I know, right…

I do think she’s lost her mind. If it were me, knowing me, I’d probably not put the effort into it that she will. I’d just let me go on with my assumptions thinking “close enough for government work”. I expect that she won’t do that. She will keep “working the problem” till she’s sure I understand. That’s yet another reason I love her…and no, I’m not trying to learn to practice. I am trying to learn because she would have me learn. It’s an “effort thing”. Some people and their friendships are “worth the effort”. My Witch is one of the two, Sweety being the other, that I am willing to work at…I use the word “grateful” when I talk about her. I use it a bunch. I am also grateful for her patience and persistence.

I had another thought… I keep saying I’m inordinately proud of her. Here’s another reason why. Her path is not easy. She could have avoided it when the Goddesses and Gods called to her. She could have hidden and been a “closet witch”. She did neither. If you know her, she could no more be false to you than she could to herself. *grins* Watch this spot for more reasons…

“Is” not “Has”…

“My Witch…” Sometimes I become concerned when I use that phrase. Not because of how My Witch takes it but, that people that aren’t us “may” see it as a patriarchal possessive term. It isn’t. It isn’t a convenience either. It IS possessive, though. It is in the sense that I also refer to My Sweety. It’s a title and an encompassing term for someone that is more than a mere and overused phrase “best friend. There has only ever been one My Witch and there will never be another, just as My Sweety is a unique term. *sorry, needed that out of the way up front. Now, on with the story…*

It was lesson time again last night. I am trying to find a frame of reference for how magik works. It is entirely out of what I know. My Witch was trying to explain elements. I just wasn’t grasping the concept. I kept trying to use “mundane” descriptions when she said something was a quality. She kept saying Earth IS Stability…and I kept getting stuck on that as a description. Today I had an insight. I think I get it. Here goes…

My Witch is Honor. It isn’t a word that describes her. When we meet the Great Beyond, when we are dispersed to where ever we variously believe that we go, she, the smallest bit of her being will BE Honor. It will be that in the smallest or largest amount. It is all the same. Her Being is Honor and that does not define a quality. She is that. Just as she IS My Witch. No matter how scattered, the tiniest bit is the whole. I will, in whatever fashion we exist in after we’ve left this plane, recognize those two things…

Elements are the same as that bit…Earth is Stability. It is not what it does. It just is. Water is Fluid. It may flow, that is also true but, the state of it is Fluid…I “think” I get it. The smallest is the same as the whole…

I am a bit dense. That’s what she was trying to tell me last night. I think I understand. I just have to find terms that fit and then let them soak in. I’m learning…again…not to use but, to understand. I am not a musician but, I understand Music Theory. I have some of that background. It helps me to see the skill and art and passion. That’s why I’m trying and that’s why I’m pestering her. My Witch uses magik. She is a magikal being. To understand her, I need to understand the rest. Otherwise, what I see is not the whole. The whole is important…more important than I realized…

WTF? Fragile?

I have a visual image…

I see Aj, standing in the back of her Jeep. There’s a driving rain and her hair is wild and blowing. A bolt of lightning crosses the sky behind her. She is holding a flamethrower at her hip. Heat rises from the nozzle. At her feet are the charred corpses of her enemies…

She said I was trying to make her “fragile” when I suggested buying a flamethrower. Nope. Not her. “Fragile” is not a word that comes to mind…More like, “damn glad she’s on MY side”…Yeah, I love My Witch to bits…

Aj’s Rules for Messing With Miller’s Head…

This is a sort of tongue in cheek post so, just follow along and hope it makes sense. As an aside before I get there, I’m at a spot writing these where I think they’re for me to look at the thinking and for Aj to read what’s behind what I say to her. If y’all happen to get some tidbits or ideas, great if not…well…so be it…

I was thinking about “Aj’s Rules for Raising a Best Friend” and this is what I came up with…

  1. Let the possible best friend get to know you.
  2. Allow them room to be their own smarta$$ self.
  3. When they smart off, tell them something about yourself that “freaks them the f**k out”.
  4. Wait.
  5. Wait some more.
  6. When they un-freak out, publicly state that you just figured that you have a “best friend”…
  7. Wait for them to figure out who you are talking about and then watch them freak out again because they didn’t realize it and are now happily surprised to have a “best friend that is not my wife”…and a bit “boggled” that it has happened.
  8. Tell them more details of what you are and answer their questions as they become “neurotic” as they process those details. *see also, “divination”, “spells”, “Goddesses and Gods”, “love”, and “magik”*
  9. Repeat #8 as needed over a period of years until they quit freaking out at “divination” and become used to the idea of  “spells” and “magik”…even if they don’t want or need to know the mechanics of those processes.
  10. Allow that person to refer to you as “My Witch” publicly…and keep teaching them as needed…
  11. Love them.

Then there are “Miller’s Rules for Being the Best Friend of My Witch”

  1. Smart off.
  2. Get a response you didn’t expect.
  3. Freak the f**k out.
  4. Take some years to process that response.
  5. Be amazed when someone you admire says you’re her “best friend”.
  6. Accept the offer.
  7. Love them.
  8. Get used to the idea that she is going to startle the hell out of you.
  9. Be repeatedly startled over a period of years.
  10. Learn to live with that and quit being startled.
  11. Refer to them as “My Witch” because that term works as well as any and realize the important word is really “My’…and be the best possible best friend you are able.

I didn’t set out to find a best friend. I was just talking to a person that I liked. I’m not good at keeping best friends. I’d sort of given up on the process and was fine with it. I have one that I married and didn’t “need” one outside of that…’till I found out that I did. I particularly didn’t need a non-Christian Witch…right up to the point that I actually do…I wouldn’t recommend this process unless you are truly ready. Having all your preconceived notions of what is “normal” contains shattered isn’t easy and has “moments” of serious mental growth but, in my case, the reward for those “moments”, read “some years”, is that I have “My Witch” as “my best friend that is not my wife” and have a “reasonable expectation” of having her for as long as one or the other of us is alive to say that…So…maybe I do recommend it after all…

As a parting thought, I wonder what I get to find out about her next? What lessons? What thoughts? I dunno where that path leads but, I’m looking forward to it.

 

Willingly and With Open Eyes

There are times in our lives when we realize that we want to give something that the recipient needs but, probably won’t take…

There is a person that we all know and love…well, y’all sort of know my biased opinion and I love…that is as stubborn as any person that ever lived, including both me and Sweety and that says quite a bit…

I was taught how to send energy. I was taught grounding. I’m not sure, at the time, that either the teacher or the pupil knew quite why but, we went through the process. I “think” the energy was just an exercise to help me to understand energy flow with no expectation of use by the teacher. I know the intent of teaching grounding was to help me find another tool to calm down. Those were the original intents…

Over the past month, since the beginning of April, for some reason I didn’t see, I’ve been putting energy into “storage” for future use by the one that taught me. I’ve been removing distractions and drains. I haven’t bothered to tell her, just calmly, during quiet moments, putting it there. I’ve had quite a bit of time that is very calm and quiet to be able to do that and have been using that time for that specific purpose…It is there. It does exist.

I have also told her, this is the part where I expect push-back, that. when the need arises, to take what extra she needs. I know what I am saying. I am aware that there will be a price to me. It is something that I freely offer with the only string being that it will be accepted.

*****

Yeah, Aj, I do know that it might hit like a ton of bricks but, considering who I am offering it to, that is of no matter. If the circumstances were reversed, if you and I traded places in this “transaction”, for lack of a better term, I’d be saying “no, I won’t do that to you”, too. No matter, there’s a phrase in the Bible, “count the cost”, I have. Which do you think I would rather have happen, for you to need and not to take or you to be harmed by the lack? What do you think would harm me more? I am being selfish. I told you, and mean it, that my next breath is yours if it is needed. Think of it as the ultimate example of me trusting you. I know you’ll only take what you must have and no more.

A gift should have value or it isn’t a gift, it’s just taking out the trash and pretending it is a kindness. The giver should have to sacrifice time, effort, and thought for it to be truly valuable. The best ones come with love. It is what I have to offer. When you need it, accept it, knowing that to not is an option that isn’t there. This is what I “think” my God and her gods would want. It’s for damn sure what I want.

Blue, Purple, and Green Looks Good

Writing about how Aj is the greatest thing since street tacos is fun. Writing about burning her at the stake gives me nightmares. Poking fun at dogma is ineffective…

There are a lot of ways to go about it but, the end goals are the same. The first is to attempt to change the mind of one single person, any person,  and convince that person that Aj is not a threat to them or their faith. The second goal is to reach more than one with the same point. Third, it is to give ME a reason to learn, to find out more about what I don’t know and look into my personal beliefs so that mine might grow. Another is to have an excuse, as if we needed one, to talk to Aj…

When I am being totally honest with myself, the first and last reasons are the ones that keep me coming back…Well, that and I like talking about her but, y’all knew that…I digress…

Which is the most important? In the long run, probably the first reason. Short term, and for selfish reasons, the last one. I learn from her and about her. Talking to her is part of my “sanity”. Having someone, particularly someone I care for and want the best for, to talk to and think about is good for me. Between the pair of them, Aj and Sweety, I have selfish reasons to not be selfish…if that makes sense. Learning how Aj’s beliefs and practices interact with her life and what she believes teaches me a different perspective.

What if…

What if, in the end, no one changes their mind? What if all they see is what they want to see? Does that matter? Is it enough to make the attempt and by doing it keep my best friend close? Is it enough to know that even if MY words make no difference, she taught me to change?

What if I had never met her? How would our lives be different? Would God or gods have provided someone else to be close to for us apart from knowing the other existed?

I can’t say that I don’t care if no one ever comes to see our perspective. I do know that there are people my life I can not see myself without, my family, my wife, and Aj.

Just as a final thought, what part of her is the “most” significant? Is it the mom and grandmom? To her kids and grandkids, yeah. Is it the best friend? To me, without a doubt. Is it the Witch? If it weren’t for the context of writing this to keep that close to the front of my mind, probably not, even if it is to her and her gods. To y’all? Probably none of the above because these are just words on a screen written by a stranger for his friend…

 

What in the F**k Were They Thinking?

I had an odd thought. I imagined a conversation at a divine backyard bar-be-que… God and gods were talking…

“I’ve got this guy, he’s going to need a best friend, would y’all mind if I borrowed one of yours?” “Well, we were sort of thinking the same thing but, she isn’t going to change so, yours better be adaptable…” “Well, looking at who y’all have in mind, he’ll learn but, it’s gonna stretch him a bit…yeah, I like her. Deal”…and the God and gods shake hands and have a beer…

I used to fuss and fume and try to draw Christian analogies. She was right, I was trying, no matter what I said, I wasn’t being honest with myself. I said I “accepted” that her beliefs are different than mine but, I was trying to find a workaround. I “think” she knew that but, since I was trying she was being patient…

It’s funny what happens with the passage of time…I still try to find a way for the validity of both belief sets to not exclude the other set. I “think” I have. Oddly enough, she doesn’t see Christianity as an opposing view and I don’t see, now, that Paganism is in opposition to Christianity…at least not to MY Christianity…

I suspect my story, up there, isn’t the way it happened. I do think that God and gods have a sense of humor, why else would they have put she and I on joined paths? The first woman that was not a blood relation or a dog that I said the words “I love you” to, I married. The second is Aj. God and gods have decided that a Heretic needs a Witch and a Witch needs a Heretic. I could not be happier with their decision…

Why Yes, You Are Correct

Why do people decide to change? I don’t mean things like hair color or jobs or something external. What I mean is why change my perspective? Why look at what I thought was true and decide that I could have been incorrect and reevaluate my view?

I was talking to Gina and she pointed out something to me. She said I was using Aj as a tool, a lever… I keep trying to find words to do what Archimedes said, “give me a lever…” and I keep trying to use Aj as that lever. The thing is, she isn’t a lever or a fulcrum…she may be a “place to stand” but, that’s just for me…

Gina also used another word, “revel”. She said “revel in the love and energy you pour out…” I like that choice of a not often used word. I do, too. I am constantly “amazed”, as an aside I despise the word “amazed” but it fits, at how much being Aj’s friend means to me. She brings a smile to my face when I think about her. She also causes me to think…

What if? What if I had not met her, would I still think the way I used to? Would I be as good a husband as I try to be without her giving me perspective when I screw up? Would I have learned to not be so selfish with trust and love if I didn’t have someone other than Sweety to share it with? Would I have learned that there are other perspectives than the one I grew up with? Would I have learned that “wrong” and “different” are not equal? Whataboutism is a pointless exercise. I still wonder…

Aj is neither the carrot nor the stick. She just is herself. I think what I mean is that she was MY reason. I don’t have the ability to “make” her yours. She isn’t a “lever”. She’s flesh and blood and mortal. I put her on a pedestal because of how much I care for her but, I cannot force anyone else to. I write about, for, and to her because of me…and her…

Changing yourself is hard. I KNOW it is. I am 12 1/2 years clean. That wasn’t as hard as changing what I thought was “right” to include things I did not understand. Learning when I was happy in not knowing, “ignorance is bliss” described ME perfectly, causes lost sleep, acid stomach, and irritation…and growth. I grew. Like the Grinch, my heart “grew 3 sizes that day”…

Gina was right about one other thing, “I would just be praying for others to find a “friend” who is as important to them as Aj is to you “. That is the truth. I do pray that y’all find your own Aj. We all need one like her…even if you can’t have mine…

I almost posted this and thought *grins* I should point out that there are things she and I disagree on…I mean, Holy Smokes, she likes Kid Rock…and doesn’t like bacon. If we can bridge those gaps, anything is possible…

5 AM…

Sometimes I wake up far too early on my day off…or I don’t know what to write…

I’ve been told that I’m supposed to use a carrot and throw the stick away. I’ve also been told that I am trying to make one of “them” human. I’m allegedly attempting to let y’all see that people that are different are just “people”…

This is what I think I’m supposed to be doing, as opposed to being “told”…I think I’m supposed to write these missives so that Aj knows I care. I’m sitting here putting energy into the system for her to draw on when she needs it. The people that read these are usually convinced of her humanity so, that’s preaching to the choir. It’s also a way for me to think about a faraway friend,

I could write about candles or ask her a question, if she were awake. and meander through what I learned. I could look up something I know would cause me to slam the keys when I type because of some long-ago injustice or some more recent slight. Letting her know that she is loved and cared for is a given because she knows it and will see this and remember…and smile because of it…

She said I “protect” her, as ineffectual as that may be with words that are read by Witches and a couple of random Christians and one odd Heretic that types them but, “protect” goes both ways. She returns the favor. Her existence is enough. That when I need her, she is there, who she is all “protect” me. Knowing that I can count on her is enough…

I “think” I’ve said it before but, if she weren’t a Witch and I wasn’t Christian, I don’t think we’d be this close. I think that because I had to question how I defined “acceptable difference”, that I HAD to learn, the bridging of that difference caused us to become close. I saw a kindred spirit. I saw Honor and Love personified. I wanted to keep that person In my life. I still do. I write about a Witch but, that’s not ALL, it never was. All is that I am lucky…or blessed…to be allowed to have her in my life and, no ego intended, she says the same about me. “Interfaith” doesn’t describe what I’m trying to say. That word minimizes…

Borders and preconceived notions cost us what we should treasure the most, the humans on the other side of them. If I never ask her another question about what she does or how she believes it wouldn’t make a difference because me knowing won’t change what I already know. I know that she is far more than a label. I know she is not “just a witch”. She never was and never will be “just” anything…

****

Aj tells me that my “edits” read more like postscripts so, let’s just call it that…

When I was younger than I am now…or say 8 years ago…I would have thought that Aj was supposed to be the “enemy of my faith” and, as a result, me. Looking back, I wonder how I could have ever been so wrong. Aj is many things. She says she has her faults, even though I don’t see them, the one thing I am assured of is that she isn’t my “enemy”. She never was and never will be.