awe

Perhaps I’m Just A Paintbrush

I was thinking about God, gods, and human understanding…

I was talking to Aj, and expressing myself poorly…as usual. I told her that the “mechanism” of the way God and gods interact with humans and we with them didn’t matter, again a poor way of phrasing. To her, it is incredibly important that I get it right…

She said, “My gods are like a brother 15 yrs older than you. Not interested in my daily doings but always willing to help if I ask”…
…and to me, except for the person that was Jesus, mine is distant and beyond my understanding. I don’t want my God to become “personal” and understandable.  I am not a person that wants to know “why did that happen?” in a personal interaction sense. People are not machines or physics or chemistry so, “why did he/she do that?” isn’t something that “usually” matters to me. I like the idea that magik is magic. I want it to stay a bit beyond my grasp. Familiarity breeds contempt. I like being in awe and not quite understanding.

What if?…What if she and I are missing the point entirely?

What if her life is the Mona Lisa and I am merely a paintbrush in the hand of the painter? I’m more than happy to be a tool used to craft a masterpiece. If that’s the case, my gratitude to God and gods is not misplaced. I wasn’t thanking them for treating us like puppets but, for joining our paths.
What if we are joined as friends, not for ourselves but, because someone else needs to see that two people with differing views of the Divine are able to become as close as we are and that helps them? Are we parts of a plan for someone else or some other purpose. That us being friends is a part of a greater “project”? If that’s the case, my gratitude to them for allowing me to be part of her life is not misplaced.
What if we are in this place now because of something that will be asked later? All the “stuff” in my past seemed bad at the time, it really was but, it laid the groundwork for who I became. Is this the same? If so, again, I am grateful for being allowed to be a part.

I KNOW she wants me to understand. She doesn’t need for me to agree or follow her beliefs but, it is important to her that I understand how they work so, I try and get it wrong and express myself poorly…and try again…like now.
I like having some things being not quite within my grasp. I am more “comfortable” if there are things to learn and things beyond that. I don’t want God and gods…and women…to be understandable. I want to remain in a state of wonder. It keeps my eyes “new”,

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