equality

Respect and Dignity…

*sigh*
I’ve been writing FOR Pagans lately. My posts seem, to me, to be harshly critical of “my faith”…or could be perceived that way. I need to clarify. I AM Christian. I love Christianity and the “words in red”, meaning HIS words. My disputes and disagreements aren’t with the Faith, it’s with the way SOME, not all, Christians practice and express it…

My own life and path have not been perfect, far from it…

I have been Christian, then atheist and addict, then “Fundie” Christian, and now Heretic Christian. I’ve wandered around trying to figure out where it all went together…and still do. My Faith is a big part of my life and world view. It is something that I spend a large portion of my mental time, when the stuff that involves work, life, and wife, allow me to think. Last thing before I sleep I’m thinking about it and first when I wake up. Quiet moments in my day and driving are filled with thinking about it…and where I fit into it…

*sigh*

Instinctively I seek the middle ground. My life as an addict was not one of “moderation”. Now it is. I am distrustful of strong emotionalism. I am suspicious of faith that is based on ecstasy. I also distrust faith that says, “if you’re not one of us, you MUST be against us”. Again, that does not make me anti-Christian but anti-extremist. I become concerned with harsh judgmentalism and wonder if those that carry that belief are not more self-centered than faithful…and I know that I am guilty of that, too. I AM self-centered, petty, jealous, rude, mean-spirited, and harsh. I am fully capable of all the things I try to write against, no matter how hard I try to keep from being them.

Respect is earned by being given. It is a truth of life that we get what we give. Kindness begets kindness. Respect for someone’s faith gains respect for our own. Treating people with dignity returns that to us…

There HAS to be a middle way. I am not, and will never be, Pagan but, there are parts of that path that I understand. I do not know the rituals and magics. I don’t want to know, not my business. I do know that the traditions of herbalism and lore were also an accepted part of Christianity. I know that we, Christians, also seek insight into the mind of God through prayer. There is no direct Pagan analog but, there is seeking understanding of the supernatural. We claim that their faith is “made up” or “fiction” yet, theirs predates ours.

*sigh*

I know a bunch of Pagans. That was an accident. I didn’t seek to know ANY. They are just people. They are just as imperfect as anyone…Of course, I accidentally know a bunch of Christians and we are an imperfect set, too…

Why do we think, as a general question, that our specific beliefs give an exclusive lock on morality? What makes us so presumptuous as to believe that our way is the ONLY way and every other one is wrong? Again, middle ground, I have been mistaken. I do NOT know everything and have no particular insight into the minds of others and no way of knowing the inner workings of the mind of God…”but, Miller, the Bible says…” Yes, it does, and we don’t speak the language it was written in, some words do not directly translate, and are we sure that the translators did not have their own agenda? Not to mention that I am SURE that Jesus spoke more words than were written down. Who knows what else He said?

I’m looking for a modus vivendi, a way of living that includes rather than excludes. I want faith to be respected. Yes, specifically, Christians and Pagans finding mutual respect and peace are the end goals.

I write these to both Pagans and Christians…

*sigh*

…even though it seems that few Christians read these. I had to learn because I was faced with a human that isn’t Christian and, yet, she  is someone I love and respect. It is my hope that we can find a way to interact that allows both paths to flourish. I want MY beliefs to be treated, by Pagans, the same way I want theirs to be respected by us…

They are not a bunch of “damned heathen Pagans with their silly made-up, comic book, magick, and divinations”. They are Witches. We are Christians. They do practice magic and divination. We pray. They are not “damned” any more than we are. They are merely different…and that adds color to our world.

*****

My reasons ARE selfish. I want respect for my beliefs. I want respect for my best friend’s. More importantly than the respect, I am proud and protective of her. I want for her to not have to hide or be cautious. Just as I am able to say, “I’m Christian” and not expect any repercussions, I want her to be able to say “I’m a Witch” and not worry about her job or safety. I have found that HER community is more accepting of my belief than mine is of hers. I see the wrongness in that because her’s are the older set and we are the upstart.

Changing the World isn’t easy. It happens one person at a time…7 billion times. I do not expect to finish the task in my life…nor do I have any reason to suspect it’ll ever be done…I do have to try, though. I have my words. I have my prayers. I have a friend that walks along side that gave me hope that change could happen, it did in me.

Respect and dignity are not too much to ask…

 

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Aj Is Going Back to Hell…

I love writing about Aj. I’ve sent her to Hell…and said why I don’t think she’s going. I’ve talked of her life and how it intersects with mine. I’ve painted a picture of a Mother, a Teacher, and a Friend. I’ve expressed a desire for her to have all the good things this World may offer… It’s all part of the plan. I’m going to teach people to see people. I’m going to let you get attached to her and then…snatch her away…

*grins*

…not really…I wouldn’t take Aj away if I could. I’m going to teach you to learn to love Aj and then I’m going to ask you why you hold it against her that she doesn’t conform to your specific set of beliefs…well…maybe I will take her away…

Look at it from my perspective. The Lady *editorial, yes I use the word as a title* holds a special place in my life and heart. She is the other one I count on having “there”. Some days, just knowing she exists gives me reasons to have hope for the world. Why, then, would I want to expose her to people that only see the part that doesn’t conform to their limited perspective? To further make her subject to the “slings and arrows” that people would use on her? Why not let her stay in the circle that loves and protects her, me included?

What if I decided that you aren’t worth HER? What if I told you that, from my tiny perspective, that the second most important non-blood related woman in my life *editorial, my Mom sometimes reads this and she gave birth to me. That’s important. :)* is more important than all the rest of you combined?

I wonder what I should do? Should I send her to Hell again? Would that get your attention? Should I leave her alone and hope you do the same? I’ve tried both.Should I send her to Hell again? Would that get your attention? Should I leave her alone and hope you do the same? I’ve tried both.

I could say that say that her life and faith are none of your business but, it seems that we think we have a right to judge EVERYONES life. *editorial, the fact that I keep hammering away at this topic points out my own guilt, too*

I’ll be honest, as if I were not already, this blog, the entirety of it minus the autobiographical bits, is an attempt to manipulate your view point. It is designed to use guilt because logic doesn’t seem to work by making people see the humans they repress, disparage, or persecute as worthy of love. The tools are specific individuals that I know and love. The method is to form attraction between you and them and, then, ask you why you would diminish someone that you would like, and possibly, learn to love. The end goal, is for you to come to love them, even if only from a distance, and realize that you can not claim love and keep them in the chains of disdain that you think are your right to own…

I really don’t want to point any of this out. I’d rather just “say nice things” and hope it works. I would prefer to be able to encourage her and forget about the people that don’t. I’d love to not share her at all and keep her attention for myself. Wouldn’t that be great, keeping the love of my wife and that of my best friend selfishly locked away for my own and never to share?…Nope, what good is having someone to love and not sharing? Why be that selfish?

So…let’s send Aj to Hell. Let’s make that Hell Earth. Let’s keep telling her that she is worthless. Let’s keep our own moral high ground by diminishing the ground other’s stand on ’till there’s NO ground and they drown in their own worthlessness while admiring our own worth. Yeah, let’s feel good about ourselves at the expense of someone…anyone…so that we don’t have to face our own fears and weaknesses…

Look, I’m not trying to gain pity or sympathy for her. She needs neither. She is a strong, resilient, caring, and loving person. If any person needs both sympathy and pity, it’s they who feel no emotions but scorn, contempt, and haughty pride in their own infallibility, those who would look down their ever so long nose at her and fail to see their own warts.

Don’t feel sorry for Aj. She doesn’t want it or need it. Just give her the same room to live that you would demand yourself. That’s not too much to ask…and if you think she’s going to Hell, please do. Just don’t bother to tell me or her, we don’t care if you do…

Ask yourself this, too. Why would a Christian who has zero intention of ever becoming Pagan so determinedly and vigorously defend a Pagan? Why would he publicly claim her as “loved” and “best friend that is not my wife” if he feared her or the condition of her soul? She IS NOT a tool of the devil. She merely is herself and claims no master.

You may think Hell is her lot. I would disagree. She may be a bit banged up on the outside but, her soul is as shiny and clean as it was the day it was made…and that soul will never wind up in Hell…

*****

We all want to think we’re a “special snowflake”. We aren’t. At the very bottom of things, we all want to find our place. Aj is no different than any Christian. She, like us, want’s to interact with the Divine, live in peace, and love as she feels is best. She’s not special or different…and neither are you. The ONLY difference is, she does not pretend that her truths are universal. She does not feel like she has a right to compel anyone to conform to her view and she KNOWS that repressing someone for different beliefs is not her right.

If you want the things you expect yourself, religious freedom, respect, and love give them or admit hypocrisy. Show, by your actions, that you have earned the rights you demand…that or admit that while you send her to Hell, you are also commenting on the condition of your own soul, too…

Dumb Question Time

I’ve written, mostly, about three major themes LBGT Rights, Religious Freedom, and dignity for women. I’ve also written about one minor but, recurring, theme, my past addiction. The question is, in the coming year, what focus? I do not see any major changes coming but, I keep thinking I’ve missed something. NO POLITICS. I try to avoid giving a left/right/libertarian bias so, I’ll avoid that. I write, as a Christian to anyone that will listen either for support or to modify their views. Please respond and I’ll take it under advisement.

Not Doesn’t Mean “Against”…

It’s the political season so, I’m going to try to make this “one size fits all”…

If something is not for me, that doesn’t make it right that I should try to ban it or repress it. It merely means I don’t do it. It also doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to not be exposed to it. I’ll attempt to make that make sense. *grins, pardon my convoluted logic and sentence structure, I’ve had some changes in my off line world and it’s been a long several weeks*…

I do not drink. I can not drink because some people should not. I am one that shouldn’t. That doesn’t give me the right to forbid everyone so that I am not exposed.

To extend the thought, we have a view, in my opinion based on our political system that is designed to polarize our nation, that not being something means we have to be against it.

My best friend is Pagan. I am not. I am Christian. That doesn’t make me anti-Pagan. It just makes me not Pagan. In fact, if I had to say it, I’d say I am pro-Pagan because my best friend is and it is a part of her. *editorial, I know a bunch of Pagans, there might be some people that are a$$holes but, the ones I know are not*

I am not a Lesbian. I am straight. Being straight and Christian does not make me anti-LBGT. It merely makes me not LBGT. Z is a Lesbian. My world would be much diminished if she were not in it. If part of her were to change, she would not be the person I know and love. So, since I am for Z, that seems to make me pro-LBGT because I don’t want the tiniest bit of Z to change.

How hard can it be? We have been conditioned to see someone that does something that we do not as our adversary. We have been told that gun owners are the adversaries of people that do not. We see Vegetarians as the enemies of us bacon lovers. Conservatives and Liberals are told that holding different views are reasons to denigrate and vilify the other. We have been beaten about the head and shoulders with the slippery slope arguments about non-Christians and LBGT’s leading to attacks on Christians and the downfall of our country. Our fears have been fed and pandered to by people that want political power and truly do not see any of us as individuals.

*sigh*

Maybe I’m wrong…probably not…Maybe the people I love really are out to get me…or maybe they’re too busy living their lives to be out to get anyone. Here’s a thought, when you think that someone that does something differently than you is anti-you, ask yourself, “do they know me? Do they really care how I live my life?” It is that simple. Aj is not trying to convert me. Z isn’t trying to turn me gay. *grins, even if she was, I’m a married man and it wouldn’t do either of us any good*

So, here’s a thought, when a politician tells you that something is against you, wonder what THEY have to gain by being against it…or in the words of George Patton, “take not counsel of your fears”. It’ll be ok, I promise.

Fired for What?

Suppose this conversation happened to you…”I grilled some steaks for my wife. They were great” “Cool, glad you enjoyed your day off”

Now suppose it went like this…”I grilled some steaks for my wife. They were great” “You’re fired”

How would you react to that? In Texas, the law is that anyone has the right to be married. It also says that a married person may be fired for being married…assuming they’re LBGT.

I understand that some people will never understand that they have the right to think as they will and should never act on those thoughts.

I understand that some that share my faith don’t think being LBGT is “normal”. I get that they think that Religious Freedom should equal the right to discriminate. That they think it is fine to address someone as “abomination” or “sinner” or “Offense Against God” directly to their face. I get that they think that someone should be fired for being gay. That it’s perfectly fine to deny housing. I get it. I will never agree with it.

What you do inside your church is protected. Who you associate with is protected. How you think is protected. Those are no excuse for how you act outside of those confines. Decency, simple decency, dictates that we treat others with dignity and respect…even if we believe that they are indecent. Fairness and equality demand that we share the same rights we expect with “all citizens”. It isn’t “extra rights”. It’s “equal rights”. It is, do we make sure that we want all citizens treated with the same rights or are we so hypocritical as to believe that we are different and others are somehow less than us.

I worry for Z. I’d love it if she could be a Texan but, *she won’t, her roots are far away* I’d never encourage it. We, Texas, has this misguided belief that we are strengthening ourselves by making others weaker. *sigh* I don’t get that at all. How do we gain strength by telling some of our citizens that they have no worth. How do we gain common ground by constantly pointing out the differences? Where is our own worth when, to build ourselves up, we take away from others?

I’m glad there’s a “Gay Pride” movement. I’m glad that there’s a sense of community there. I’m glad because some of us straight folks seem to think that we are better. I’m glad that someone besides me is willing to say, “There’s nothing wrong with you being gay. I’m glad that you are. I love you just the way God created you”. That way Z knows that not all of us are jerks.

*editorial, I know there are a bunch more than me. I know all straight people are NOT hypocritical jerks. If you’re not one, apologies. Not trying to paint with a generalization. Also, not all of us Christ Followers, are anti-LBGT*

*sigh*

You know, it’d be a silly d**n thing to get fired for grilling for your wife. When it can not happen, I’ll quit writing. Till then, I’m gonna keep on…and hope for a wife for Z.

 

I Gotta Quit Reading the News

Gack…I’ve been reading the news again. It seems that some people just don’t listen to reason…or read it.

Because I’m a firm believer in “due diligence” I ask Z stuff. Sometimes it leads to an odd set of questions. Luckily for me, she’s patient and understands the reasons I ask. It’s not to be embarrassing. It’s to be able to say, here, “I asked”. For what it’s worth, the questions are NEVER about sex or stuff that’s none of my business.

*sigh*

So…to all the “slippery slope” True believers, the only slippery slope is the one you tripped on. No, the LBGT Community doesn’t want to make everyone gay. They need straight people. That’s where gay people come from. I mean, seriously, who do you think has kids?

No, they don’t want to close your churches. Some are even *gasp* Christians. Z is. She’s the first person I go to for prayer.

No, being gay doesn’t make you a pedophile and more than being straight makes you a rapist. The word you’re looking for is “sociopath”.

How many more? I’ll keep asking but, I’m getting tired of the foolishness of the questions.

Nope, bestiality is repugnant to most of them, just like it is to most of us.

Nope, it’s not about promiscuity…or sex in the street. It’s about wanting to love and be loved.

Gack…

The bottom line is, being gay and being straight are the same except for the gender attraction. That’s it. Same hopes and dreams. Same desire to live and let live. Same self-respect. Same thing…except that you don’t see the LBGT Community protesting the Straight Rights Movement. Doh.

Lordy Mercy the news wears me out. Yeah, some jerks and weird people are gay. Some jerks and weird people are straight, too. You do read the news, right? There are more straight wackos because there are more of us.

Ya know, given a choice, and I have one, I’ll pick Z’s team. I mean, her personal team. It isn’t because she’s gay. It’s because of the person she is. I write for her because she deserves a voice. It just seems the place she needs a voice is that one part that people can not seem to get past. If she were to write about it, it would just be one more author to be ignored because she’d be writing for herself. I, on the other hand, fit every demographic that her’s is allegedly persecuting. So, the only reason I have to write FOR her is because she earned it.

Think about that, if I thought she were out to get me, why would I write? If she was anti straight, white, Christian male, what reason would there be for me to attempt to protect her? Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to be an “anti”? The danger is not to me from her. The danger to her is the pushback from my demographic to her’s.

Reason needs to break out. It isn’t that hard. Our lives are difficult enough without fabricating unfounded fears. We have enough stress. There are enough aches and pains without inventing more. I do care about Z’s life. She’s family and friend and loved one and prayer partner. *editorial, Yeah, I just implied that I have no use for unneeded stress and then implied, again, that I worry for her. See the bit about how she fits my world, that’s why.*

What I don’t get is why people that have no reason to care take on stress. Why?

If your marriage is so weak that it can not handle what happens in someone else’s, that’s you, not them.

If your faith is so in doubt that you must defend it to the detriment of others, that’s you. My faith is strong enough that it won’t be shaken by the beliefs or actions of another.

There are a bunch of things that are legitimate worries. It’s just that Z isn’t one. Worrying that individuals have won the right to be treated as individuals is a silly thing to be worried about…

*sigh*

I gotta quit reading the news. It wears me out. I suppose I shouldn’t care what strangers think about Z. I suppose, by my standard, I’m being hypocritical. Eventually, the “new” will wear off of Obergfell and the furor will die down. For now, though, it hasn’t. For now, there’s still a need for a voice to try to calm the fears of people like me…if I were afraid of Z. Someday, perhaps, maybe, I will be able to quit being her voice, if for no other reason than apathy will have won and a different issue will become a focus…

Yeah, I gotta quit reading the news…*wanders off to say Hi to Z*

 

It’s Your Fault…and Mine…

Straights, gays, bi’s, men, women, lovers, haters, Protestant Christians, Catholics, Pagans, Jews, Atheists, Agnostics, Liberals, Conservatives, Dems, the GOP, Socialists, Communists, Libertarians, Anarchists, environmentalists, industrialists, capitalists, the rich, the poor, the middle class, the East Coast, California, Texas, the Deep South, Chicago, the Midwest, the West, Immigrants, Citizens, Native Americans,Yankees, Rebs,  any race you please, Vegans, Carnivores, George Soros, the Koch brothers, Apple, Google, Monsanto, Exon-Mobile, BP, junk food, fast food, Organic food, GMO’s, carbs, trans-fats, PETA, the Illuminati, the Military Industrial Complex, Welfare, Social Security,addicts, gun owners, anti-gun activists, Pro-choice, Pro-life, Baby Boomers, Gen-X, Gen-Y, Gen-IDK,  any other generation you want, *did I miss any?* Obergfell, the Civil Rights Movement, gang-bangers, andthe KKK…are ALL going to be the “downfall of American Society”…

Here’s the deal, we really aren’t. This country is strong enough, big enough, and resilient enough that there’s room for all the varieties of humans in it. There’s room for me, Z, and you. There’s room for offense to be offered and NOT taken. We can do this. We have gone from an upstart colony with an idea that “all men were created equal…” and grown to be the USA. The thing that will tear us apart is when WE forget that WE are a nation made of individuals that all, in the end, want the same things, “…Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness…”

*sigh*

We made it through 1776, 1812, the Civil War, Dec 7, and Sept 11…

Maybe, just maybe, if we quit seeing threats and start seeing humans, there won’t be any “downfall of American Society”…

*editorial, If I missed you in my list and you’d like to be included, leave me a comment*

Semi Not PC PC Post

I wrote a post, some time back, encouraging Z to play with boobies and kiss girls, “I Told Z to Kiss a Girl”. It comes up, in this context because I was talking, as much as a comment section on a blog post can be a conversation, about not being PC…

I’m not PC. I’m just cautious. There is a short list of people I do not want to offend. Z is on that list. I know and want for her to find a girl to have “fun”, read “enjoy being physical”, with. I also want her to find a girl to build a life with. I want a house with yellow roses, a veggie garden, a comfy couch, fireplace, several bedrooms for guests, and a pool. I want a long driveway for walks and a shaded porch for drinks in the afternoon. It needs to have some acres of woods and a pond with a fishing dock…

Physical beauty is fleeting. Sex lasts for a few minutes. Holding hands can last for hours. Peace of mind is for a lifetime.

I’ve said that I don’t care that Z likes girls. That’s not precisely correct. I do care because that’s what’s best for her. I love her the way she is and do not want that to change. Since the “girls” thing is a part of her, I do care. Since my prayers for her include finding love and peace, I must want the right Lady to come along. It’s just that I don’t care that she likes girls any more than I’d care if she liked guys.

Because I’ve written about and for her for more than a year and put some hundreds of hours of thought into these, she, Z, is on my mind a lot. She gets a fairly big portion of my mental energy. That’s fine. If I had a problem with that, I’d cut my losses. I’m quick to get rid of un-needed energy drains. Z isn’t one. Here’s a funny thing. If she were straight and I was single, we wouldn’t work as a couple. She likes crowds and outdoors and high energy. I’m a quiet indoor homebody. Again, that’s fine. *grins* Besides, we’d kill each other… I’m never going to want to be unmarried and she’s never going to want to be straight. Doesn’t change a thing in our relationship. I want the best for her and she for me.

I knew this had a point…If Z were someone else, I’d still want the same things for them. Not the details but, the chance to be left alone to live their life in the fashion that is best for them. She doesn’t deserve to be left in peace because she’s gay. She deserves it because we all do. Having a shot at dignity and peace is basic to being human.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness…”

In the end, that’s what we get, “the pursuit of Happiness”. If we are lucky, we get there. If not, we should have a chance to try, no matter if it’s gay or straight, single or married, without being hindered by the forms and conventions of anyone else.

So, yeah, maybe I do care if Z likes girls. Maybe I’ve not been right all along. It is what fits her. It is what is the best way for her to pursue “Happiness”. What I want is the best for a friend that I love…

*Disclaimer. I never use that thought to include criminal acts. That idea and justification is never going to be in here*

Who Knows? You Guys Suggest Something. If I Like It, I’ll Write It…

I have three days off and no clue what to type…I liked my last one “note to self” but, it was written over several days with Z’s input. I want to type something because I’ve learned I like to write. I think I’m a bit of a narcissist…

I really have zero idea. I don’t want to write about politics. I’ve got friends all over the political map and my views don’t really fit any party. My views are my own. *grins* I make a decision, not based on party or ideology, but on my own internal compass…

I don’t want to write about what I think of the government or environmental issues because there are enough people writing about those. Same with race issues.

I’d write a “Z Post” but, for now, there’s nothing to say that doesn’t seem like a repeat. I’d tell the people I’m surrounded with that I love them but, I’ve done it so many times they should know it…Just to make sure…Dear People that love me, I love you, too. You are an unearned gift and have my gratitude in this life and the next…

Write about my hobbies? Well I cook stuff made up from ideas I get at work, I’m a butcher, and I write a blog and I “do nice things for my wife”…That covers those…

My addiction and my past? Nope, not today, no context for it…

Same as usual? Human dignity and LBGT Rights? Not today. Today, I’m going to just think that people are civil and treat each other with respect. Today, when I think about the people I love, I’m not going to put them into the box this blog seems to have to put them in. Today, I’m going to think about the whole of them and that I want them to have all the blessings in the world…and for some nice Lady to wander across Z’s path *grins*…

So, you guys come up with something. Leave me a note under the link on my Facebook wall. Drop a comment here. Send a carrier pigeon or smoke signals. Let me know what you think. If it isn’t politics, I’ll see what I can do. If you have a different perspective I might write about my “usual”, I’ll look into that, too. *grins*

note to self

 

I’ve been writing this post over a period of several days. I’m leaving it “rough” because it was really intended to be a note to me. It turned into a “real” post. It is barely edited and going to stay that way. Guys, I’m beat. Tired. Worn out. These are what has come out of my head. Sure, it’s a post about people that are LBGT.  It’s also about a specific person and it’s really a post about us. How do we see people and how do we see ourselves. If we don’t find a reason to stop our fear of people that are different, we, collectively, are going to implode. We gotta find common ground, please.

*****

It starts out with the notes I was working from. It seems disjointed after that because I didn’t do any editing or try to make it completely connected…

It drifts off at the end and that’s gonna have to be enough. Thanks for reading it.

*****

more honey than vinegar…gently persuade…patience…time…less stress about people not seeing what I see…want to build a bunker with concertina wire and protect Z but, CAN NOT…Z more patient than me, gotta learn from her…hearts and minds…fight reaction to be a growling dog protecting The Muse…

*****

These are the things The Muse wants me to do. She wants me to realize that people won’t change just because the Law did. She wants me to be patient and try to change “hearts and minds” with kindness and being non-confrontational.

It’s hard for me. I do take words that are directed at other people than her as being directed at her. My instinct is to protect her from those words and perceived hurts. My desire is to shelter. Given my way, I’d be a dog, growling at everyone I thought came close to not loving her.

I know that’s not fair to her. She can defend herself. She is more than strong enough and completely capable.

She’s protecting me. She’s trying to make me understand that I don’t need the stress. That the frustration is not good for me. She’s trying to change my “heart and mind”. See why she’s such a Treasure. This is why. I write for and about her and she’s my protector, too…A couple of stories…

During May and June, we had a bunch of storms and flooding. Here, D/FW, it was particularly bad. I’m used to it, at least as much as you can ever be to Tornado Warnings. She was constantly calling and praying. One night we were talking and lost the chat because a lightning strike close by dumped my internet. I wasn’t worried. Again, I’m kind of relaxed about the whole thing. It either hits and is a total loss or it’s a miss. SHE, on the other hand, was worried as she could be. I had to phone her up and let her know everything was fine, just a lost signal…See what I mean, protecting me…

‘Nother part of me is that I tend to stress and worry about random stuff. In an absence of knowledge, my mind races along ’till it’s close to twisting outta control. Not a good trait of mine. I let myself wind up. I tend to inflict it on her and my wife. She peels me off the ceiling. Lets me rant and then reminds me to calm down. That it’ll be ok. Helps me to realize my fears and worries are unfounded…

My Protector helps me to be a better husband and person by doing something that isn’t her job. She’s not my wife or girlfriend so, it can’t be part of what one of those would have “signed-up” for. *editorial, no girlfriend for me, ever. I’m married and faithful* She allows me to use her as a safety valve. To dump MY stress on her. To relate my nightmares to her so I can be a bit saner. She prays for me every day and, usually, is praying for stuff that I didn’t realize I needed ’till it happens. My world is safer because of Z…

It’s an odd role reversal. I mean, these words and posts have been to help her and make her world a better place. They’ve been to build her up. That’s in here and out there. They’ve been to tell her that, to me, she’s a Hero. I’m sure she doesn’t think she is. I do. Thing is, she makes my world a better place. She builds me up. She never lets me get away with saying that what I’ve done *see previous posts about being an ex meth addict* is not also worthy of praise, too. I don’t quite understand but, she treats me like a hero…

So…how do we go about this? How do we change hearts and minds? Bashing people over the head is not working. That is my instinct. To pick up Z, shove her into the spotlight, and shout “how can you fools not love her?” To use her as a bludgeon. She’s right. That is not the way that’s going to make a long-term change.

*sigh*

A “pride” parade didn’t change my mind. A screaming rights activist didn’t give me reason to see the error of my ways. What did was more like the mountains being turned into sand by the gradual actions of the waves. I didn’t have some epiphany. It was a process. It took some years. Lots of baby steps and realizations. Z came along towards the end. She wasn’t the first step but, the last. She was the end of a line of people. She says “educate”. Her life is that way. She teaches by being herself. I should know, it’s how she taught me…

We were friends before I knew she wasn’t straight. Kind of an “how’s that?” moment, right? No context for it. I’m married, wasn’t when we met but, engaged. I didn’t want or need a date, girlfriend, or anything else. She was just someone I talked to sometimes. We’re both “chatty”. Ugh. So, it never really had a reason to be a topic. I was talking to a person and not a potential anything else. When she finally did let me know or I figured it out by reading between the lines, it was a bit of a shock…for about a day. Then my I realized nothing had changed. Same person was still the same person. I mean, we had been praying for each other for a couple of years and I didn’t know. She might have thought I knew? Ask her.

That’s how she “educates”. She lives her life and at some point you realize she’s a person you want in yours. Easy enough, knowing her. Because there’s no context, you don’t realize she’s not straight. Not that she’s hiding it, just no reason to come up. I thought she was a fellow Ally. Then she tells you. She is blunt. At which point you realize nothing has changed in your relationship.

She’s far better at that than I am. I want to shout at people. I want to force them to realize that she’s great. She just goes about her business and lets them figure it on their own.

Here’s another odd thing about the way she educates. Even though she doesn’t like it, she’s far more forgiving of people that dislike her on principle than they are of her. She’ll defend their right to speak against her while she’s snarling mad at them for doing it. That and even though she’ll never admit it, the comments hurt. Still, she keeps defending their right to speak if not their words…

****Break to go to work and stuff. more later******

Here’s what I’m thinking. For me, it becomes a matter of perception. I mean, what do I see when I look at someone? Do I see the part I disagree with and ignore the rest, first? Or, do I do it the other way ’round? Do I see the parts I agree with and ignore the disagree? There are things that I do that Z doesn’t. She doesn’t beat me up with them, she ignores them. Same with me, there are things she does that I can not have in my life. No matter, I just stay away from those things. Make sense, sort of?

She’s human with the same courage and fear as any other human. She’s capable of the same soaring triumphs and crushing defeats. She’s a mother, daughter, cousin and friend. She can be as soft as a cloud and harsh as sandpaper. She’s just the same as every other Mortal. Her fears and frailties keep her up at night…just like mine…Her shoulders carry me along when I want to quit. Human, no more and no less…That’s what I see and am glad for it.

Everyone is the same way. No two people fit the same mold. There are always things we wish people would change.

*****

While I’m writing this, here’s another thought. We, Americans, are constantly, me specifically, saying what we are against. Maybe we can think of what we are for. I’ve written all these words for Z. I’ve written to her, about her, and for her. My weakness is that I have to struggle against the “us against them” attitude. How do we include? How do we find common ground? How do we say, “you’re different but…so am I.”

I gotta learn that lesson. I gotta learn to not want to lash out. Me, I, need to be more gentle in the way I think and try to teach. Particularly, I gotta do that when my instinct is to protect.  A Wise Woman keeps telling me that I can do more with honey than vinegar. She’s right.

I wish I didn’t write these. More correctly, I like writing good things about Z. What I mean is I wish I didn’t think there was a need for them. I wish that we could find some middle path. That we could agree to reduce our total stress. That we could figure out a modus vivendi and learn to live in peace. I’m idealistic, I know. I keep thinking that we have the ability to set aside our perceptions and see what is really true. I know I struggle against myself with that. It is hard. I had to overcome years of conditioning and prejudice. I do not even pretend otherwise.

*sigh*

I suppose I’m just getting tired. I don’t have the energy to spare on fights that aren’t mine. It could be said that this one isn’t except that it is Z. That, to me, as long as she lives and I do, I have picked her side to be for, not against. Not because she’s a Lesbian but, because of the rest of her. I’m writing for the whole of the person that she is. I wonder if that makes sense outside of my head? That my attempt to persuade to see the whole still includes the parts and says the whole is “greater than the sum”?

Please learn from what I had to learn to do. I removed the good because I wanted to see only what I disagreed with. I based my opinion, not on fact but on my perception. My views were wrong. My excuses, in the end, only let me hang on to anger and stress and changed nothing. She says she “educates” by living her life. Please learn from mine, too. My mistakes don’t have to be repeated.