jealousy

WTF? Fragile?

I have a visual image…

I see Aj, standing in the back of her Jeep. There’s a driving rain and her hair is wild and blowing. A bolt of lightning crosses the sky behind her. She is holding a flamethrower at her hip. Heat rises from the nozzle. At her feet are the charred corpses of her enemies…

She said I was trying to make her “fragile” when I suggested buying a flamethrower. Nope. Not her. “Fragile” is not a word that comes to mind…More like, “damn glad she’s on MY side”…Yeah, I love My Witch to bits…

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Blue, Purple, and Green Looks Good

Writing about how Aj is the greatest thing since street tacos is fun. Writing about burning her at the stake gives me nightmares. Poking fun at dogma is ineffective…

There are a lot of ways to go about it but, the end goals are the same. The first is to attempt to change the mind of one single person, any person,  and convince that person that Aj is not a threat to them or their faith. The second goal is to reach more than one with the same point. Third, it is to give ME a reason to learn, to find out more about what I don’t know and look into my personal beliefs so that mine might grow. Another is to have an excuse, as if we needed one, to talk to Aj…

When I am being totally honest with myself, the first and last reasons are the ones that keep me coming back…Well, that and I like talking about her but, y’all knew that…I digress…

Which is the most important? In the long run, probably the first reason. Short term, and for selfish reasons, the last one. I learn from her and about her. Talking to her is part of my “sanity”. Having someone, particularly someone I care for and want the best for, to talk to and think about is good for me. Between the pair of them, Aj and Sweety, I have selfish reasons to not be selfish…if that makes sense. Learning how Aj’s beliefs and practices interact with her life and what she believes teaches me a different perspective.

What if…

What if, in the end, no one changes their mind? What if all they see is what they want to see? Does that matter? Is it enough to make the attempt and by doing it keep my best friend close? Is it enough to know that even if MY words make no difference, she taught me to change?

What if I had never met her? How would our lives be different? Would God or gods have provided someone else to be close to for us apart from knowing the other existed?

I can’t say that I don’t care if no one ever comes to see our perspective. I do know that there are people my life I can not see myself without, my family, my wife, and Aj.

Just as a final thought, what part of her is the “most” significant? Is it the mom and grandmom? To her kids and grandkids, yeah. Is it the best friend? To me, without a doubt. Is it the Witch? If it weren’t for the context of writing this to keep that close to the front of my mind, probably not, even if it is to her and her gods. To y’all? Probably none of the above because these are just words on a screen written by a stranger for his friend…

 

What in the F**k Were They Thinking?

I had an odd thought. I imagined a conversation at a divine backyard bar-be-que… God and gods were talking…

“I’ve got this guy, he’s going to need a best friend, would y’all mind if I borrowed one of yours?” “Well, we were sort of thinking the same thing but, she isn’t going to change so, yours better be adaptable…” “Well, looking at who y’all have in mind, he’ll learn but, it’s gonna stretch him a bit…yeah, I like her. Deal”…and the God and gods shake hands and have a beer…

I used to fuss and fume and try to draw Christian analogies. She was right, I was trying, no matter what I said, I wasn’t being honest with myself. I said I “accepted” that her beliefs are different than mine but, I was trying to find a workaround. I “think” she knew that but, since I was trying she was being patient…

It’s funny what happens with the passage of time…I still try to find a way for the validity of both belief sets to not exclude the other set. I “think” I have. Oddly enough, she doesn’t see Christianity as an opposing view and I don’t see, now, that Paganism is in opposition to Christianity…at least not to MY Christianity…

I suspect my story, up there, isn’t the way it happened. I do think that God and gods have a sense of humor, why else would they have put she and I on joined paths? The first woman that was not a blood relation or a dog that I said the words “I love you” to, I married. The second is Aj. God and gods have decided that a Heretic needs a Witch and a Witch needs a Heretic. I could not be happier with their decision…

Why Yes, You Are Correct

Why do people decide to change? I don’t mean things like hair color or jobs or something external. What I mean is why change my perspective? Why look at what I thought was true and decide that I could have been incorrect and reevaluate my view?

I was talking to Gina and she pointed out something to me. She said I was using Aj as a tool, a lever… I keep trying to find words to do what Archimedes said, “give me a lever…” and I keep trying to use Aj as that lever. The thing is, she isn’t a lever or a fulcrum…she may be a “place to stand” but, that’s just for me…

Gina also used another word, “revel”. She said “revel in the love and energy you pour out…” I like that choice of a not often used word. I do, too. I am constantly “amazed”, as an aside I despise the word “amazed” but it fits, at how much being Aj’s friend means to me. She brings a smile to my face when I think about her. She also causes me to think…

What if? What if I had not met her, would I still think the way I used to? Would I be as good a husband as I try to be without her giving me perspective when I screw up? Would I have learned to not be so selfish with trust and love if I didn’t have someone other than Sweety to share it with? Would I have learned that there are other perspectives than the one I grew up with? Would I have learned that “wrong” and “different” are not equal? Whataboutism is a pointless exercise. I still wonder…

Aj is neither the carrot nor the stick. She just is herself. I think what I mean is that she was MY reason. I don’t have the ability to “make” her yours. She isn’t a “lever”. She’s flesh and blood and mortal. I put her on a pedestal because of how much I care for her but, I cannot force anyone else to. I write about, for, and to her because of me…and her…

Changing yourself is hard. I KNOW it is. I am 12 1/2 years clean. That wasn’t as hard as changing what I thought was “right” to include things I did not understand. Learning when I was happy in not knowing, “ignorance is bliss” described ME perfectly, causes lost sleep, acid stomach, and irritation…and growth. I grew. Like the Grinch, my heart “grew 3 sizes that day”…

Gina was right about one other thing, “I would just be praying for others to find a “friend” who is as important to them as Aj is to you “. That is the truth. I do pray that y’all find your own Aj. We all need one like her…even if you can’t have mine…

I almost posted this and thought *grins* I should point out that there are things she and I disagree on…I mean, Holy Smokes, she likes Kid Rock…and doesn’t like bacon. If we can bridge those gaps, anything is possible…

5 AM…

Sometimes I wake up far too early on my day off…or I don’t know what to write…

I’ve been told that I’m supposed to use a carrot and throw the stick away. I’ve also been told that I am trying to make one of “them” human. I’m allegedly attempting to let y’all see that people that are different are just “people”…

This is what I think I’m supposed to be doing, as opposed to being “told”…I think I’m supposed to write these missives so that Aj knows I care. I’m sitting here putting energy into the system for her to draw on when she needs it. The people that read these are usually convinced of her humanity so, that’s preaching to the choir. It’s also a way for me to think about a faraway friend,

I could write about candles or ask her a question, if she were awake. and meander through what I learned. I could look up something I know would cause me to slam the keys when I type because of some long-ago injustice or some more recent slight. Letting her know that she is loved and cared for is a given because she knows it and will see this and remember…and smile because of it…

She said I “protect” her, as ineffectual as that may be with words that are read by Witches and a couple of random Christians and one odd Heretic that types them but, “protect” goes both ways. She returns the favor. Her existence is enough. That when I need her, she is there, who she is all “protect” me. Knowing that I can count on her is enough…

I “think” I’ve said it before but, if she weren’t a Witch and I wasn’t Christian, I don’t think we’d be this close. I think that because I had to question how I defined “acceptable difference”, that I HAD to learn, the bridging of that difference caused us to become close. I saw a kindred spirit. I saw Honor and Love personified. I wanted to keep that person In my life. I still do. I write about a Witch but, that’s not ALL, it never was. All is that I am lucky…or blessed…to be allowed to have her in my life and, no ego intended, she says the same about me. “Interfaith” doesn’t describe what I’m trying to say. That word minimizes…

Borders and preconceived notions cost us what we should treasure the most, the humans on the other side of them. If I never ask her another question about what she does or how she believes it wouldn’t make a difference because me knowing won’t change what I already know. I know that she is far more than a label. I know she is not “just a witch”. She never was and never will be “just” anything…

****

Aj tells me that my “edits” read more like postscripts so, let’s just call it that…

When I was younger than I am now…or say 8 years ago…I would have thought that Aj was supposed to be the “enemy of my faith” and, as a result, me. Looking back, I wonder how I could have ever been so wrong. Aj is many things. She says she has her faults, even though I don’t see them, the one thing I am assured of is that she isn’t my “enemy”. She never was and never will be.

For What It’s Worth…

“Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you’re always afraid”
-Stephen Stills

I was looking for some stuff on the interwebbish thingie and got sort of frustrated and cussed out google. It led me to a prayer against hexes. I read that prayer and my first thought was, “well, don’t piss off a witch and you won’t have that problem”. My second thought was, “My Witch won’t hex you. She’ll smash you in the face with a shovel and then use the shovel to bury you out in the desert…”

Do I think hexes exist? Yeah, I do.

Do I think that paranoia exists? I am positive it does.

I also think that paranoia is far more likely to be the cause of your problems than being hexed…

…That or you have an allergy…

…or you really did piss off a witch…

 

“Cool” or “Neat”?

Pardon a dated term but, and I don’t think I’ve said it before, I really think that Aj being a witch is kind of “cool”. Would “neat” be a better word? Allow, or don’t as you wish, me to explain…

I get to learn stuff. I may not want to practice or follow those things but, for me, learning is important. I love the interwebbish thingie because I am able to fall down a rabbit hole with no idea where I may end up. The process of discovery is something I enjoy. Because, ’till I met her, I had zero knowledge, outside of fiction or religious bias, of what a witch is or does, there is a vast unknown that I am able to explore…

To carry the thought farther, it allows, forces if you will, to explore my own faith and worldview. It means that I have to stretch my mind to see another perspective and, by doing that, look deeply into my own. It is my personal view that if our beliefs cannot stand up to close examination, they probably need to be discarded or updated. She has given me reasons to look at the actual words in the Bible and see what the actions of Jesus were and His words. Those are good things. There are things that her beliefs have taught me, that all things are interconnected, that balance, I would say “moderation”, is important, that “prayer,  even if she uses a different term. transcends divides…

She has also taught me that, by looking at her faith, that there are people outside of mine that are probably “better Christians” than some Christians I know…even though she isn’t Christian. This is just one example of that…and one of the reasons I love her dearly…she said this about some who wished her harm, ” I turn the other cheek, if you will. I don’t curse them. I don’t hex them. (Oh, I could) instead, I light a candle for them and put into the universe my desire for them to find peace in their miserable lives. I won’t stick around and allow their horrible treatment of me, but I don’t wish them harm.” If for no other reason, THAT is reason enough for me to want her as my (still can’t figure out the term because “best friend” is overused).

Here’s another bit…She walks her own path. She will think her own thoughts and make what decisions she will and ignore societal conventional wisdom so that she may remain true to herself. She judges someone based on what they actually are, just as she should be based on herself…

Sadly enough, this is also a reason…We live some hours apart so, I am not around to see her as often as my wife and I or she would like. I don’t get to do what I “normally” do for loved ones, i.e. cook, so I write these pages. It is also sad because these pages are needed…at least the attempt is. I am not there to physically protect or offer the comfort that food brings so, these are what I have. That and I keep her at the front of my mind anyway. If you can’t be close, you should, at least, keep those you cannot replace near in your heart. *sigh* I don’t know that this paragraph says what I am trying to say. It is neither cool nor neat that there is a need to feel that she should be protected. I would much rather that she were safe and free to publicly express herself as she would. So, I am proud of her for being who she is in spite of the overt and covert pressure to conform…Maybe that makes more sense?

Why else?…I would never have guessed…well…eventually I “probably” would have but, she told me first. I’ve said it before but, her thinking that I was worth reaching out to, across a divide, and sharing part where we are different, made me, still makes me, feel good. It is really nice to be trusted by someone you admire. I know it goes both ways, we’ve talked about it. It gives us a bond that only people who have found common ground, trust, and love across differences have. I cannot imagine that we would have been this close if either of us was different.

I love her to bits. I love that she’s a witch. She is a “neat” person. Wouldn’t have her any other way…

*edit* *grin* Yeah, thinking about this, I’m not making light. I mean it with all seriousness, all the words up there…and Aj being a Witch just makes me smile. It wasn’t always that way. It used to scare me. Now, it is just one more of the many reasons that I have, when I often think of her, to be happy for her that she has her path, Yeah, it IS pretty cool…

*other edit* *other grin* Because of Aj and these, I know more witches than just Aj. I like them. They seem like, to use a Texas expression, “good people” but, Aj is still my favorite. No matter where our paths take us, she will always be the first one and will ALWAYS bring a smile when she comes to mine. Thanks, Aj…for everything…

Anybody Have a Match?

I was going to write something else but, I think I’ll write this…

I have a friend…well…in this context it’s Aj and, by now, if you don’t know her, just read back a few…anyway, she spends a decent portion of her budget on candles. She keeps one lit for my house pretty much constantly. It’s a form of putting energy and light back into the “system”. It’s a way to, pardon the analogy, “pray”…even if that’s not exact…

That sounds like Church ritual. Go into almost any Catholic, Lutheran, or Episcopal church and you will see candles lit. You will find them used throughout our Holy Day rituals representing light and purity…

We use the symbolism of transferring light to light to mean exactly the same things. We use the purity of the flame with the same meaning…

So, if we do something and it means the same as what “they” do and has roots in the same ancient rituals predating our faith…hmmmmmm

*****

I want to touch the thing that I can not figure out how to write and probably still don’t…

I KNOW Aj. I trust her to “pray” for my house. I’ll take blessings where ever they may come from. I trust the purity of her soul, even if I don’t share her beliefs…as she doesn’t share mine…To think that she’s evil is as incorrect as think that water is dry. It is an untruth and proven time and again…

I suppose, rephrase, I know that means I’m a heretic. To trust her purity and prayer is “against my religion” except that it isn’t against what I know of the Lady. I trust HER. I believe her. I always will and always have. Period.

I Hate Shoes, or Grounding 101

I hate shoes. My feet don’t like being trapped. I don’t particularly like the way feet look, I just can’t stand having mine confined in shoes and socks. First thing I do after work is take off my shoes and socks. In the “slightly less than totally freezing” season I wear Crocs. In the Winter, I wear fuzzy lined Crocs. In the “warm enough that cold concrete doesn’t make my toe bones ache” season, bare feet. If you want to know where I think demons live, it’s in the toes of dress shoes…

I love the feel of comfy grass. Cool concrete is peaceful. Walking on a beach. Hanging your feet in the water. All of those things are only properly done without shoes. Hard to feel the grass through them…Those help me to calm down. They are restful and calming.

Aj, on the other hand, NEEDS time without shoes. There is an intentional process called Grounding. The short version is that it is a way to release negative energy. It is a way to gain useful energy.

More specifically, it is a process of sending the anger and frustration into the Earth through direct contact with it and once that is gone, to gain calming energy to replace it…

Hmmmm…

That sounds quite a bit like me wanting to walk in the yard or sit out back with my shoes off when I’m pissed…The only difference is that she KNOWS she’s doing it and I just thought it made me feel better because I hate shoes…

I’ll have Door Number 2

I thought of some more questions so, I thought I’d ask them…

St Augustine said in “The City of God”?
Yeah, he said all sorts of things. He said that all polytheistic religions were only there because they were hedonistic in their nature. He called everything not Christian demon inspired, ignoring that demons are a Judeo/Christian concept…He was writing propaganda to a specific audience right after the Sack of Rome. He was looking for an excuse to blame the decline of the Roman Empire on anything but Rome. It happens.

Why do you insist on writing these if you don’t think anyone actually reads them?
Well…the short answer is “Aj”. The medium answer is “I gave my word I would to her”. To be a bit longer than that…I’m selfish. I want to not be concerned that she is being hassled or stressed. I want to not feel like I have to pray for her safety when I say my prayers. I am also a proud person. Yeah, pride isn’t good but, this is an exception. One of the finest humans I know picked me to be a part of her life. I will, metaphorically, shout it from the rooftops. That not many people read these isn’t a good enough reason to stop. I get to write about and for someone dear to my “tiny little cast iron heart”. The final reason is that, gives some of the stuff she’s allowed me to write and the way she’s been “used” in posts, she’s as much a part of these as I am. I am merely the guy typing. If she won’t quit, neither may I. I hope that she and I might change someone’s, anyone’s, mind.

Don’t you fear that your faith…?
Interestingly enough, because of these and her, my faith is stronger, not compromised. I had to examine, still have to, my beliefs and my interactions with God. I had to read and re-read the words of Jesus and examine what they mean to me as a Christian. I had to examine my own life in light of those words. In short, no.

I’ve heard they have rituals. What about those?
We have rituals. We do Communion and believe in Transubstantiation of the wafers and the wine during that process. We have collective prayers. We make offerings of money and effort. Do you mean like those? Every faith has ritual practices. It’s the nature of humans to want to do those and find comfort in the practice of them.

As a follow-up, I’ve heard there’s *whispers* nudity?
Honestly, I have no clue. I really don’t want to imagine my friends nude because we’re a bunch of middle-aged people. If you’re curious, I have this Cleansing Ritual I practice nude. It’s called “taking a shower”…when I get out, there’s a naked middle-aged guy in the mirror and it scares me. Look, there are a bunch of Urban Legends. Do y’all believe those, too?

But, Miller, aren’t they trying to influence worldly events by what they are doing in their practices?
Yes, they are trying to persuade spiritual interaction in the material world. So what? When I pray for protection and safety for my wife and Aj, isn’t that exactly the same thing? Aren’t I trying to get the Spiritual World to directly influence the Material World?

So, y’all are Science Deniers?
Huh? Oh, got it, you mean that I don’t believe in physics or chemistry or engineering? Nope, in fact, when I look at the incredible biochemical machine that a single cell is, much less, the grouping of cells made into systems and, those systems working together to provide an organism, I see engineering and science at it’s finest. To deny an Engineer seems to me to be the height of folly. I’m typing on a computer. I acknowledge that it is designed and manufactured, why not something vastly more complex?

What about…?
Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess at the question. I AM human. I make mistakes. I HAVE believed things that are untrue. I could be mistaken in my beliefs. Making mistakes are a part of being human…
Not the question? Oh…well…I am sure of two things, I am sure that I love my wife more than my next breath. I am sure that I am truly Blessed, in the Christian sense, to have been given a chance to have a friend that is worth writing about and for in Aj.
Yeah, this is an attempt, like it will always be, to convince all four of you that read these to see the Person that she is and treat her with the dignity and respect that her life has earned.

If you are reading these and have any questions that do not involve her family, geographic location, or would compromise her safety or that of any other person, please ask. If I get enough, meaning more than 2, I’ll write up her answers.