relationships

Perhaps I’m Just A Paintbrush

I was thinking about God, gods, and human understanding…

I was talking to Aj, and expressing myself poorly…as usual. I told her that the “mechanism” of the way God and gods interact with humans and we with them didn’t matter, again a poor way of phrasing. To her, it is incredibly important that I get it right…

She said, “My gods are like a brother 15 yrs older than you. Not interested in my daily doings but always willing to help if I ask”…
…and to me, except for the person that was Jesus, mine is distant and beyond my understanding. I don’t want my God to become “personal” and understandable.  I am not a person that wants to know “why did that happen?” in a personal interaction sense. People are not machines or physics or chemistry so, “why did he/she do that?” isn’t something that “usually” matters to me. I like the idea that magik is magic. I want it to stay a bit beyond my grasp. Familiarity breeds contempt. I like being in awe and not quite understanding.

What if?…What if she and I are missing the point entirely?

What if her life is the Mona Lisa and I am merely a paintbrush in the hand of the painter? I’m more than happy to be a tool used to craft a masterpiece. If that’s the case, my gratitude to God and gods is not misplaced. I wasn’t thanking them for treating us like puppets but, for joining our paths.
What if we are joined as friends, not for ourselves but, because someone else needs to see that two people with differing views of the Divine are able to become as close as we are and that helps them? Are we parts of a plan for someone else or some other purpose. That us being friends is a part of a greater “project”? If that’s the case, my gratitude to them for allowing me to be part of her life is not misplaced.
What if we are in this place now because of something that will be asked later? All the “stuff” in my past seemed bad at the time, it really was but, it laid the groundwork for who I became. Is this the same? If so, again, I am grateful for being allowed to be a part.

I KNOW she wants me to understand. She doesn’t need for me to agree or follow her beliefs but, it is important to her that I understand how they work so, I try and get it wrong and express myself poorly…and try again…like now.
I like having some things being not quite within my grasp. I am more “comfortable” if there are things to learn and things beyond that. I don’t want God and gods…and women…to be understandable. I want to remain in a state of wonder. It keeps my eyes “new”,

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Aj is For Sale

I talked it over with Aj. We decided we needed to test the market. If I’m going to have to shop for a new best friend, perhaps I should see what kind of cash I can get out of the old one. I mean, that really does limit my purchase options…particularly after Aj gets her cut of the sale price…

*wanders off to look at internet*

Well…hell…I tried to google how to sell Aj. It wasn’t any help. It’ll tell me how to sell body parts and guns but, not a living human…I guess I’ll just have to write an ad here and see what happens…

*chews pen and ponders*

FOR SALE: One lightly aged  lovingly cared for Best Friend
Are you in the market for a Best friend? I have just the one for you. This late 60’s model is really bitchin’. She comes with a Purple, Blue, and Green paint job. Her headlights are a Classic Green with a death stare. This is the Classic Collectable Best Friend you’ve been looking for. She’s low miles and has had all her maintenance done.
She’s the one that will push your boundaries. She’ll make you question your judgment. She takes all your preconceived notions of what you ever expected in a Best Friend and shatters them to tiny bits. If you want a Best Friend that will not spare your ego, you found her. If you want a Best Friend that will bring shovels with no questions asked, she’s the one. If you need a Best Friend that will tell you to jump off a bridge…and push you if you hesitate, Aj is it. If your ideas of a Best Friend include fearless loyalty, blunt, and smarter than you there is no question that you’ve found the one you’re looking for right here.
Words don’t quite express all the superlatives this Best Friend brings. She must be seen and heard to be truly appreciated.
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Serious offers only.   All sales final.
Contact (480) 655-6630 or leave offer in comments below.

 

 

Shopping for a Best Friend

A funny thing happened, I was talking to the young lady that works at the desk that is next to mine. I mentioned that Aj had gone “protective” of me and how it made me smile. Nansy commented that I wasn’t used to having a female best friend. After 5 years of “officially” being best friends, I realized that I really am not. She never ceases to amaze me but, I decided to do something…

I went “shopping” for a new best friend. I googled it. I found articles telling me I should expect to spend more than 200 hours getting to know someone. I found out I’m supposed to “make the first move”. I found out that there are sites for hired friends by the hour. I wandered down my memories looking in my past. I looked on Twitter. I even looked on Facebook. I went to People Magazine to see if any celebs were available. Checked out eBay to see if I could find one at a discount. I pulled up Craigslist to see what might be there.

I mean, if I’m going to find a new best friend, I gotta explore all my options. What was I looking for? Male or female? Young or old or middle-aged? Short or tall? Quiet or outspoken? Bluntly honest or tactfully willing to tell a white lie? New or used? Same faith or different? *That’s a BIG question because I’ve been through that once before…* Local or distant?  There are a lot of things to be pondered?

Looking for a best friend is hard…

So, I quit looking. I’ve put quite a bit of time and effort into the one I have. I enjoy putting effort into it. I count the energy spent as gain. The time I’ve spent adapting myself to fit her into a set of beliefs that would have excluded her has been gain. Besides that, I really don’t have any choice. I didn’t “pick” her, she picked me. I could have turned her away but, I am not quite that stupid…

We bought an 80-year-old house. It is a work-in-progress and will be for many years to come. Friendship with Aj is the same way. I am comfortable with it but, I keep finding things that I need to fix in me to be a better home for her to live in…sort of like my marriage. I want to be the very best at it that I am able…again, like being a husband. Those two women, Aj and Sweety, have decided that I am worth being loved and protected by them so, in return, I feel like I should do the same.

So, yeah, I went shopping. Considered the options. I’ve decided on a Used, Pagan, Middle-aged, short, bluntly outspoken female. It was really one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made.

 

Shoes Suck

I hate shoes. I need to wear them because they keep feet safe from gravel and hot pavement and goat-heads and being cold but, I’d love it if I had Hobbit feet and could completely never wear them. I’m not a big fan of seeing my feet…or knees…or chicken legs but, I go barefeets and shorts as often as I am able.  The first thing I do when I get home from work is to put on comfortable shorts and take off my damned shoes. Anyway, this isn’t really about shoes. It’s about my best friend that is not my wife…when I get to it…

Neighborhoods go into decline. They start out with homes built by people that want to live their lives there and raise their families. They age. The children grow up and move away. The homes are sold and become rent houses and yards become weedy, painting doesn’t get done, shutters sag and the neighborhood declines. If the neighborhood is lucky, housing prices drop enough to become attractive to people willing to buy…and turn the houses into homes. A few people start mowing and painting. The neighborhood becomes attractive to people that want to live their lives there and that attracts more people that want the same. They become safe again and have a new life back where they started…

Still getting there…

Have you ever had a friend, a REAL friend? Someone that you weren’t allowing to be a “renter” but, that you were willing to invest time in? Someone that you were willing to change your World View for because you were investing yourself into them? I have one. Her name is Aj. Yeah, you’ve seen her name before and know that I love her dearly. I invested myself in her. I changed my entire approach to the way I looked at the world because of her. No matter how often I say that I’m not sure she realizes how important that is to me. I’m not sure that she realizes that I’m not a renter but, she’s a part of “home”.

Yesterday she did something that sort of surprised me at the time but, in retrospect, shouldn’t have. Someone from my distant past that I was close to resurfaced. Aj went into full-blown protective mode. ” Well, she better treat you right. I don’t like sharing my position as bfftinyw” *best friend that is not your wife* I think she was willing to get out her shovel and start driving if she thought that there was a chance that I might be emotionally harmed. Rephrase, I know she was. How many people do I know that would do that? Counting Aj? Two, the other is my wife…

…and that’s why Aj is part of home. She is possessive of me and will not allow harm to come to me if it’s in her power to stop it. Not only do I not mind, I’ll let her have the piece of me she’s claimed for as long as she’s willing to own it. Oddly enough, that goes both ways. I am possessive of her, too. Don’t read jealousy into it from either side. She’s glad that I’m happily married and I will be grateful to the man that she decides to love for being Her Love. Doesn’t change the fact that we both own a part of the other. Neither of us is renting.

Sometimes I startle easily. Sneak up behind me and I’ll jump. Tell me something about yourself that challenges my comfort zone and I’ll freak out…maybe even for years…and eventually, I’ll be sending you to hell and burning you at the stake…and love your friendship as much as I love barefeets and comfortable shorts. I am a blessed person for having someone that has decided to be my best friend for as long as I will have her. I see no need to change that fact. I’ve invested myself into changing me to keep her right where she is, in my heart. If you’re lucky, you’ll find your’s, too. When they decide that they own a part of you, give it to them.

Vegan Recipes or, Cooking Aj

I decided to do something that y’all never expected to see in this blog, I’m writing about the Vegan recipe options that I know…*grins* not really. I just wanted a starting point and decided to veer a bit. If you came here looking for Vegan recipes, I apologize. There aren’t any. Sorry for the bait and switch. I’m really just teasing all four people that read this. What you really get are some questions and answers to follow up on the one I wrote yesterday Perspectives,,, It’s going to be an odd format because no one really even asks questions. I invite y’all to but, people don’t cooperate. *grins*

What are some things that you’ve learned about Witches since one decided you needed one in your life?
Well, Witches have their own language. When I say “grounded”, I mean like an electrical circuit. They mean a similar thing but, they use their feet and the energy flow is both ways. I think of earth as that thing you stand on, for them it’s different.
They have also ruined popular fiction for me. Witches are NOTHING like fiction makes them out to be. That whole “Harry Potter” thing, nope.
What else? Witches let people be themselves. They come in so many “flavors”, for lack of a better word, that there’s room for almost any variation of beliefs and different types of humans in their worlds that they just like you for who you are…at least the ones I know are that way. Interestingly, they accept me and my beliefs as valid.

How has your life changed since you became Best Friends with a Witch and has it carried over into other areas? As a follow-up, if you had it to do all over, would you want a Witch in your life?
Well, let’s take them out of order. I want my Best Friend in my life. That she is a Witch is an odd sort of bonus. The reason I say that is because I have the added option covering all the bases when I need “prayer”. Yes, that is Heresy. I get it but, if she recognizes my beliefs it seems fair that I recognize her’s, too. She also gives me a bunch of stuff to occupy my mind. I get mentally bored very easily so, having stuff to roll around and ponder let’s my mind stay occupied. All of that is fine but, like I said, I want Aj in my life, if she weren’t a Witch, I would still want her here.
Changes are a more interesting area. I am a better Christian, minor bits of Heresy aside, because I have had to focus more on the words that Jesus actually said and concentrate on those concepts. You know, kindness, self-sacrifice, being open to people, looking to my own soul…those kinds of things that Jesus talked about.
Other changes? I am far more open to new ideas and concepts. I am not the dogmatic twerp I used to be. I may decide that I still don’t agree with the validity of something but, I will look at it and not reject it out of hand.
I have learned to not be concerned that people aren’t “just like me”. An example is if someone tells me they’re a Witch my response has gone from “a what?” to “cool, my Best Friend is, too”. Gay? Yeah, not an issue. *grins* I still don’t quite understand Atheists but, whatever floats your boat. The point is that by not being worried about “what” someone is, I have room to get to know “who” they are.

Next question, does writing this make you some kind of SJW?
*laugh* Not hardly. I am not “political”. I don’t care about party politics. I won’t say that I don’t care about most social issues but, there are enough groups and authors for or against them that my words would just add to the noise. I write these for a few reasons. First, because I have a very strong urge for one person to be accepted for just who she is. I figure that if I have a chance to help y’all see that one person then you might see the rest of them. If you see the rest of them and it means that she’s cut some slack, it makes her life easier. It’s circular logic but, it’s what I have.
Related to that is that I want to do nice things for my friend. I am able to cook and help my wife to show her with my actions and time that she is loved. Aj lives far away so, this is what I can do.
Also, most of the time, it’s fun to write. I adore the Lady I write about and so, it gives me a chance to say that. Let me ask you this when you say “I love you” to someone that you’re not romantically in love with but, love them all the same, do you enjoy that? Does it make you smile? This is the same. I’ll give it this, there are a few that hurt to write but, that’s ok, too.

You titled this “Cooking Aj”, why?
Well…I’m not quite sure. I had a sort of an idea and it wandered out of my head. I got sidetracked. Some of it is a play on words, I was remembering a post I wrote some time ago. Look that one up but, I won’t link it. Some of it is to tease her because it’s hard to burn Water. Some of it is because she LOVES the heat. Some of it was to get your attention.

Are there any other thoughts that you’d like for us to know?
Yeah, a few. Among them, I’ve learned that you can’t judge someone by their tats or height or place of birth. If I took those external circumstances and add multi-colored hair I’d get to “why would I be friends with her” but, I’ve learned. Interestingly enough I even decided that tats are cool on a woman. Yankee women make great friends. “Short” is a good height for a person to be…and that I really like her new hair colors. Of course, all of this is VERY subjective.
I’ve also become grateful. I used to take people for granted. Because I was chosen by her, I don’t. If she “picked” me, she could send me back to the shelter where she found me. That’s a joke. She won’t. We have a deal. As long as I don’t kick her off to the side, she’s stuck with me. I am grateful for the reassurance that comes with that because I would no more push her away than I’d push my wife away. No more Disposable People in my life is a good thing. Not having to be insecure about “what if they really don’t like me” means that I may allow myself to be myself around her and not worry.
I’ve also learned that I do not think “unconditional love” exists. I do have conditions. I have expectations. I don’t necessarily think that you have to care about everyone. I don’t think that everyone is likable. I think the reverse is true. Not everyone is going to think I’m the greatest thing since street tacos, either…and all of those things are fine. Having said all of that, once you do decide that someone meets the “terms and conditions” that you’ve applied, you don’t ever take it back. You knew what you were getting into. You knew that they were human and had faults. I mean, Aj is a…well…she would say…a bitch sometimes but, to me that endears her because I may not want to offend her but, she’s mine. I asked her if I could use that word. This is what she says is why “I’m a bitch when you deserve it. It’s self-defense. It’s not to keep people away it’s to keep people from walking on me or mistreating me or that which is important to me”
If I could change any one thing about her, I’d move where she is closer to where I am but, neither her family nor mine are going to move so that won’t happen.
Oh yeah…the oddest thing about her is that she doesn’t like bacon.

Well…I started this early. Had coffee. Cooked for my wife. Had some thoughts. Lost some thoughts. Got to spend time thinking and writing. This didn’t end where I thought it would end but, it’s what I got.

 

 

 

I Know, I’ll Cheat on My Wife…

I keep wanting to start writing this by asking “are you f**king stupid?” Here’s where I am at. Please excuse me for writing it from my perspective and not addressing marital issues or from both sides…

Before you read farther, I used asterisks a bunch because I am so frustrated that I didn’t self-edit…much…This is a topic that p**ses me the f**k off. I waited a very long time to get married and I do not and will not ever understand what people are thinking…

A Lady I know was propositioned. Yeah, I’m copying part of the post, with her permission because I’m lazy…

This just happened to me this week. And ended today.
Situation:
1. A Friend of many of my friends sends me a friend request.
2. He’s married.
3. He’s nice and funny, and our mutual friends are classmates, so I accept.
4. He starts private messaging me, wanting to come over and “cook” for me, since he enjoys cooking. And he’s apparently “blown away” by me and, oh, it’ll be “our secret.”
5. I say “no, you’re married”.
6. The little bugger is persistent, and quite charming, but NO. NO AND NO. NO.
7. Suddenly, I’m not seeing his posts and comments anymore. What’s this about?
8. OH DARN, he’s unfriended me.

What in the unholy f**k is wrong with guys? Where in any kind of sane or honorable world could this be considered appropriate conduct?

I am a dinosaur, a throwback to a far older time when it comes to this. I swore an oath. I have a view of the way Oathbreakers should be treated that far predates Western Christianity. “Head on a pike” is the mild version of the way I think…

Back to my point. Some people would say “it takes two to tango” and I’ll call bulls**t on that. It takes ONE to say “no”. What the f**k was he thinking? “My wife won’t mind” Did he think that C wouldn’t mind screwing around with a married guy? Did he just think, “what the hell, I’ll screw up my marriage today?” Was the thought…never mind, there was NO thought…

I am old fashioned. I think that it’s the guy’s responsibility to not get into that situation. If he’s married, don’t do it. If he’s single and she’s married, still don’t do it. If you want to screw around outside of your marriage, have the stones to walk up to your wife and ask for a divorce, then screw around.

I just want to shake the guy and say “Dude, sound out the big words mah-reed. Married, you dumb f**k. You swore a f**king Oath. If you didn’t mean it, you should have kept your f**king mouth shut! You have one f**king job, be a good husband. What part of that includes cheating on your wife. If you can’t keep your pecker in your pocket, maybe you should chop the damn thing off…”

*sigh and exhale*

I don’t even begin to understand. I just don’t. If you thought the lady you propositioned was worth being that intimate with, why would you disrespect her that way? Even if your vows don’t mean anything to you, what makes you think she’s that dishonorable?

I know stuff like this has happened for centuries. Males, some males, are spectacularly stupid. Some males think it’s their right and that the woman should understand that you’re “just a man” but, that’s not what men do. Boys do that. Boys don’t understand that when they get caught they will hurt someone they said they loved. Boys only understand instant gratification.

*****

I know that this is getting to a point where I’m just exhasperated and typing. I just don’t get it…

I took a “poll” on my facebook page. I asked “Under what circumstances is it acceptable to cheat on your wife?” The single most common answer was “none” closely followed by “never”.

There are NO excuses. I had a co-worker tell me that his dad was a “whore-monger” and he was just doing like he was taught. I’ve heard the line, “it was just once”. “I was drunk”. “She started it and it was an accident”. NO NO NO. No excuses. You had to take your pants off, you knew what you were doing. You had to talk to her before it got to that point. Thought was involved. This isn’t like dropping a plate in the kitchen. It didn’t just slip out of your hand.

Look guys, you want to prove you have a “pair”? Keep them in your pants Be a Man and prove it by acting with honor. If you can’t, at least admit that you’re a boy…

 

Take a Breath

I have a plan…

I’m going to take words out of context. I’m going to dictate to everyone how they must believe. I’m going to say that My Way is the Only Way. I’m going to say that my view of the afterlife is the only correct one. I’m going to scream, metaphorically, that my worldview is the only legitimate one and that every other human on the planet is wrong because they aren’t me…

I’m going to be sad and depressed because I’ve completely isolated myself and the only thing I know how to do is lash out. I’m going to forget that I am imperfect and not realize that I am unable to live up to my own view of myself…I am NEVER going to be at peace.

Nah…

I’m going to forgive my own failings. I’m NOT going to lash-out to disguise that I fall short. I am going to embrace people that see the World with different eyes. I’m going to breathe and relax…

Yeah, I Had to Work at It…

I have been accused of “overcomplicating” things. *grins* What it is is that my mind races along and finds something to fill places where most minds just leave voids. My tiny brain is like a rubber ball in a can in a paint shaker. It bounces off the walls in random directions…This is one of those times…

Someone said, “distance themselves from the judgemental crap.” I am far from that. I am judgemental as Hell. There are things I will ALWAYS, every time, “judge” and find unacceptable. Period. On the other hand, this was my response, ” I did “judge” her. I found her to be quite worth keeping as my best friend for the rest of my life. I stand by that initial judgment.” So, now we have context for where my mind is racing along to…

I asked myself, would we be as close if we were alike. I mean, if I weren’t a “recovering Fundie” and she wasn’t a Witch? My best answer is, “nope”.

Well Hell, why not? The best way to explain is that it took a bunch of initial effort to get past “Witches are going to Hell. How can I be friends with one of them?” Then, once I got somewhat past that, her Practice and Gods took more thought and mental processing. So, just to get to “friends”, for me a very non-casual word, took many, meaning hundreds, of hours and days of thought and introspection…

Yeah, I judged her. I looked at the way she treated me when we first met and I was being “the angry husband guy” because someone that she had some authority over had offended my wife. *editorial, I will go completely ballistic if I “think” you’ve offended my wife. I am incredibly “old fashioned” like that. She comes first. Rude to me? No biggie. Her? All bets are off…* Anyway…I watched how she responded. I looked at the way she lived her life. How she treated her husband and her interactions with her friends and me came under scrutiny…and she did the same with me…

There is a point to all of this, we, she and I, put a bunch of effort into understanding someone with similar values and vastly differing faiths. We, somewhere during that process of investing energy realized that there was a deep friendship. Having to learn, being forced to put that much time into it is a cause…The effect is that I need the challenge that having her beliefs and friendship causes. I NEED to be made to think. It is good for me to question MY views by having a different perspective…

I also need the comfort that her friendship brings. My past life was in constant flux and full of distrust. I count on having her as my best friend almost as much as I count on being married to Sweety. It is reassuring to know that, even if we may fight, they will be around to the end of my life. Yeah, I am able to say that because to my wife I swore an oath before God and man and Aj and I have just given our word, something that both of us take very seriously.

Yes, Aj, my brain bounced around. No, this isn’t overcomplication. It was just a question that my mind asked. If I hadn’t had to work at changing me, would you be as dear to me as you are? We see the long answer. The short answer is, “Who knows? The effort has already been made…” Now we’re at the easy part, grow old knowing that there will be friendship till “old” is no more…

****

Sorry this seems disjointed. Part got written before work and the rest 13 hours later. It’s ok. Just live with the sort of mental gap and read what I mean. *grins*

Help!

Toleration is the acceptance of an action, object, or person which one dislikes or disagrees with, where one is in a position to disallow it but chooses not to”

I need better words. Sometimes English sucks. The connotations for “acceptance” are also negative. I don’t like them. So…I need a word that means, “we don’t do things the same way because you say you’re a cat and I say I’m a dog and you’re female and I’m male and you’re a Witch and I’m a Heretic and I think it’s cool as s**t that you and I do things so differently because I love the snot outta you exactly like you are and I want to shout from the rooftops how cool that is…”

Anyway, this is a long-winded…well, not for me but, whatever…post to ask y’all if you have any ideas for a word that fits. I couldn’t find any synonyms that work.