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When Heroes Become Villains

 

There’s a place some go. A place I’ve gone, and it’s a place of nightmares. Where you can’t trust the person to wake you up. What if the person who wakes you up from the dreams of monsters, turns out to be the monster themself?

You’ve seen the picture of innocence. Of child-like faith. Not just in God, or blue skies, but in family. Your grandfather is this smelly old guy who teaches you how to play an instrument and makes funny jokes. Your uncle is the greatest person in the world. Your other grandpa comes around and fixes what needs fixed. He throws you in the air and plays games. They are heroes. Superheroes who do no wrong.

And then one person changes that. Family has no meaning. The veil of innocence is gone and you see threats. If this one person, who swore to protect me, is capable of this, then what of them? And you start to see secrets. And secrets are scary. Because secrets live in the dark, and there are always more where those came from.

People get angry when you’re too frightened to be alone with them. As much as you’d love to say you trust them, you can’t, because you know they are just as capable of untold horrors. Family means nothing. “Love” loses it’s touch.

I don’t know if it’s something that can be changed. I’m certain I’m missing out on knowing some great people.  I wish I could trust, especially in family, and trust in “love.”

What I want in life is to fix the world, even if I can’t fix me. I want to see a few people hurt less because of something I know. Because of something I can say, or because of something I can do.

I don’t pray well. Its a thing forgotten often until I break and start shouting blubbering curses to the man upstairs. But when I do, I pray my daughter keeps her heroes. I pray this for every child. I pray this for the child I was.

I hope at some point I can see past the villains, and start seeing the heroes in those I should. Hope that I will see beyond possibilities and potential for hurt. Hope I can restore to some degree that faith in humanity, and maybe restore it in someone else too.

*****

If you’ve read my posts over the past month or two, you might have gathered that there’s a specific person in my mind when I write. If you read M’Lady and Her Jester you will know the background. This post is where she is in her words. She asked me to post this. I left it unedited. She said I could comment…

M’Lady,
Perhaps you will never quite learn to trust. *sigh* The cynical old b****rd in me says trusting “humanity” is for suckers. Humanity will always let you down but, there are rare humans that you can trust…and they will sometimes let you down, too. You are trying, though. You are searching for a way to find what was stolen from you. You are willing to face your fears. You are willing to accept that not every person is a person that hurt you. That you are willing, in spite of your fears and your past, gives me hope that you will succeed. It will take time. It will be hard.
M’Lady, you reached out to me. You took my trust and, however far from you, my love. You tried to run from those and, when it came to accept or reject, choose to accept, no matter how those scared you. I know you are not confident that you will ever be “healed” but, for now, on this part of our path, trust my confidence in you. There will be days, in some distant future, where fear will come back but, by then, you will know it for what it is and it won’t harm you.

I know it isn’t much but, here’s the hand of a friend to walk your path with you. *offers hand*

With love,
M’Lady’s Jester

The Worth of a Soul

 

I was talking to someone and she said this, “And deep down, we had a masochist, a young, teenage slut, who wanted nothing more than to curl up in a hole and die, because she was dirty, scared, and shamed.”

Does something ever put you in a spot where you want to simultaneously hug and protect one person and beat the crap out of everyone else that surrounds them? This did…

Let’s take this from the top. Why would you want to harm someone you allegedly love? Meaning who taught her to be a masochist? Who convinced her that she was a “teenage slut” and forgot that we don’t have a problem with teenage “boys will be boys”?

When she wanted to “curl up in a hole and die”, who was there to hold her and tell her that she was more than a “slut”…and while I’m at it, why is it so wrong to enjoy sex?…

That’s the last part, “dirty, scared, and shamed”…

Why?

Dirty? Not this young Lady. Nope, that isn’t what I see. I see smart, hard working, ambitious, attractive.

Scared, yeah, because society says she should be…of what, though? Not that what I think should matter or that my opinion should make a difference in a far away life but, if she’s scared of what the people close to her think, it isn’t her that’s messed up, it’s them…

Shamed, who told her that? Who told her that the standard that made it ok for her partner made it wrong for her? What idiot hypocrite said that because she’s a girl she’s not supposed to enjoy sex and if she does, it’s wrong? What bunch of morons decided that she deserved shame?

I have to ask myself, if she was my daughter, how would I react?

She is young enough to be my daughter. I think my reaction, knowing it now, would be to tell her she’s beautiful. That what happened TO her was because people are stupidly judgmental. That what she sees and what I see are different. I did tell her that, and will again. I said this, “You are more than an object to be owned and discarded or manipulated.” I also told her that she has greater worth than just being “a good fuck.”

People don’t get to own people. We don’t have the tiniest right to create what she thought of herself.

When did we forget that? What mom tells her kid that she’s dirty forgetting that the same mom had to get laid to have the kid. What dad tells her that she has no worth when he must have thought her mom was worth getting naked with to create the kid? What part of “it takes two to tango” makes half of the people dancing worth less than the other and holds up one as being a “man’s man” and calls the other a “slut”?

Yeah, this pisses me off because now, someone that DOES NOT deserve it and has not earned it, has to learn that she wasn’t wrong. That there’s no harm in enjoying sex. That she has worth beyond just being used and manipulated.

Truthfully, I think she’ll get past the things that were inflicted on her. I think there’s strength and resilience in there. It won’t be over night but, I have faith in the young lady’s ability to listen to reason…

The problem is, some people aren’t her. Some don’t have the chance she had to escape. Some don’t have someone to tell them that the lies are just that, lies.

It is NEVER our right to take away someone’s humanity.

*****

I wrote the part up there before work and was going to end it there. I changed my mind because some things occured to me…

I wonder if some of the reason I am so angry is because I never had any children? Is it because I see someone that would make a fine daughter, one that I would be proud to call my own, treated like she was not worth anything?

Or is it because I see someone that, even given what she’s been through, that were I not happily married and 30 years younger, I would look at as a potential spouse? One that a husband would think “I’m not worth this woman…”

Or is it that I see a friend hurt and I can not do anything to prevent the damage that was done before we met?

Or a combination of all of the above?

*****

These things also crossed my mind while I was at work…

Why do we teach that they deserve to be worth only a spread set of legs and nothing more and then blame them for doing that? They deserve far better. They are far better. A woman is more than a body. If she does get laid then we don’t tell her it’s wrong unless we condemn her partner. We have to be honest with ourselves and ask why we taught them to be masochists? Is it to make ourselves better than them? Why do we have to make them feel bad for us to feel vindicated?

I rarely make promises. This is one of the rare times I will. I promise that no matter what you think of yourself, even when you are old and gray, in my minds eye, there will always be the perfection of that pic of a young mother I pointed out to you. That, in the mirror that is MY minds eye, you are perfect just the way you are. That there is nothing you have ever done that will ever make me think any less and it’s not possible to make me think any more because you need NO improvement. That’s my promise, that with me, just one stranger, you precious and worthy of love and respect.

You Are Not Damaged, You Are Loved

Sometimes what I want doesn’t matter. It makes not the tiniest bit of difference if something causes me discomfort. This period of this blog is a time like that…

I was an addict. Specifically, I used I.V. Meth…the alcohol and weed don’t matter in this context…I am able, still, ten years later, to see the scars on my arm from that usage. In a sense, my body was violated…by ME. I have huge issues with “trust” because of who I was around and who I was. I hated myself. Those were things I inflicted on myself. I WAS NOT A VICTIM…There is no one to blame but myself. The things that were done to me were acts of volition…

I can not imagine what it is like to hate yourself because of something  that someone else did. I can not imagine what it is like to not be able to trust anyone around you because they either could be someone that will violate you or tell you to accept what happened. I can not begin to think about how I would deal with that fear.

Specifically, I do not want to think about how I would react to being raped.

There is no part of that action that should be tolerated. We have a system that blames the victim. That tells her to “get on with your life” as if nothing happened. We pretend like the pain ends when the scars fade.

Distrust never goes away. Being violated never ends. Those may be pushed into the background but, they always live there. The nightmares fade but, some days are worse than others. Looking over your shoulder and expecting it to happen again becomes a way of life.

*editorial, the ONLY basis for comparison I have is as an addict. I am not making any moral equivalent between what I did and being raped. It merely gives me a tiny bit of insight into “surviving”*

I don’t know how to “fix” it. I wish I did. I am good, mostly, at dealing with what I did to me. Some days are bad. Some days, everything reminds me. Some nights, I am afraid to sleep because the monsters come out. Those things I do understand. You are never “cured”. I know that from me and what I’ve been told by friends that have survived.

*sigh*

I wish there was a way to tell the real victims that the pain would end. That there was a way to make them believe that everything will be all right. There is not. All I can do is to tell them that from the outside there is nothing wrong with them. That they had no choice.  That what was taken from them can, in time be replaced. That you can learn to trust. That the only person that sees you as “dirty”, “damaged” or “flawed” is yourself and, to us, you are worth being loved and cherished. That you are not an “object”. That you have value.

I think that, we as a society, have a skewed set of values. We blame the true victims and praise the recovering addicts. Why should I get support and praise for not being a criminal when someone that was harmed by a criminal is made to feel ostracised? Why do we not do everything in our power to help them? What I am able to do is say “You are loved. You have value. Your courage is astounding. That you are able to go on when I’d curl up and hide shows strength I can not imagine having”.

I know I wrote a similar “support post” yesterday. I will probably write more in coming days.

If I thought it would help to write exploring ways to stop the crime, I would. We know it’s a crime. We have made the penalties harsh and extended the punishment far past the time in prison. Those have not stopped it. No child old enough to know what sex is thinks that rape is legal. If you took a poll here, no one would say it’s good, yet it still happens. No amount of penalty seems to make it not happen. *editorial, I AM NOT advocating lighter penalties. My view is far harsher than that. I am in favor of “boxes” for that crime, not rehabilitation* I do not want to understand the psychology of  rapist. No amount of “education” has changed the fact that they exist. They, rapists, know what they are doing is “wrong” and just don’t care.

What can be done is to show empathy to the victims. We, men, can show understanding for “distrust” of us and put our egos aside. We can react with compassion and caring. We can not say, “get on with your life” to someone that has had their life shaken to its core. We can give time and space for healing. We can reassure the victims that, to us, they are the same loved person they always have been. We can let them know that nothing has changed in the way we feel for them, that they are not “damaged goods”. We can let them have room for the “bad days”. We can say “I love you” and let that be enough when they need to hear that and only that…

I love you. Nothing will ever change that.

This Was Harder Than I Can Imagine

This post is by my “best friend that is not my wife”. It is very personal to her and her family. For what it’s worth, I had to tell my father that he had not seen me sober during my adult life, 20 odd years. That was NOTHING compared to what Tim did. Here’s the post…

Friday, August 22, 2014

We’ll Burn in Hell Together!

So much has happened in my world over the last month. There has been so much confusion, heart ache and devastation. Yet there has also been so much compassion, understanding and growth. I know a lot of you have seen my posts on FB that don’t seem like me. If you have been my friend either in real life or on FB for any length of time then you know that I generally try to be a positive and upbeat person. I am usually very tolerant and patient. I may joke or come off as someone that tolerates no bull but in reality, I try to be very understanding of the plights of others. No matter how hard I try to be understanding, some things just dont make any sense to me.I am about to share with you some very personal and some very sensitive information. If you can not handle pure honesty and 100% truth then stop reading this now. If you can not handle the idea that someone’s opinion may differ from yours, stop reading now. If you are so set in your mind that your belief is the only belief then STOP READING NOW!

I have forever been an advocate of equality. Racial equality, sexual equality, gender equality, you name it. In my mind you are the person you are, not the title you wear. Who you are on the inside is so much more important that what clothes you wear or what church you go to.

I am fed up to my eyebrows with people who claim to love and be good people only to show themselves as extremely judgmental and controlling.

About a month ago I discovered that my husband of the last seven years (we have been a couple for 10) is gay. He has spent his whole life lying and suppressing who he is because of the controlling and overbearing opinions of his parents. As much devastation that this has brought into my world, as much as this has totally shattered all my hopes and dreams for my future, I have tried my hardest to stand behind him and be supportive. We have had very many emotional outbursts in the last month but the top priority and what we keep coming back to is the well being and what is best for our 3yr old daughter. (Remember the monster that painted my house in lavender hand lotion?) We feel that it is best that she has her Mommy and her Daddy.

This morning my husband finally gathered the nerve to tell our adult children and his parents the truth. This was NOT an easy decision for him and I saw the agony on his face as he delivered the message to each of them. Immediately following the receipt of this message my children responded with all the love and compassion I expected of them. They not only wanted to be sure that their Mom was alright but they wanted their “Dad” to know that this changed nothing and they still love him and support him. Of course they were not happy that their parents are getting divorced, but they were all very supportive of their dad and his choice to finally tell the truth and stand up for who he is.

His children have not responded.

Shortly after sending this message to his parents, on cue and as we expected, his father called him and immediately began to tell him how wrong this is and that he can get help for this. He also began reciting scripture and bible verses and then told my husband how this is killing his mother. With all due respect to my inlaws, All I can say is REALLY?? I mean REALLY??

Your son just stood up and did the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and you are going to start preaching at him and telling him he is wrong? I think he would know whether or not it was a choice to be gay, after all it is HE who is gay. If you are not gay, and obviously since you are so ANTI gay it is safe to say you aren’t, then how in the world would you KNOW if it is a choice or not? You dont! I dont care what you believe or what the bible says. If you believe that and choose to be lead by it that is fine for you. How many times do we have to have the argument that what is good for you is not necessarily good for others? Why in the world can you not accept your son without trying to guilt him into your way of believing? Can you not understand that your controlling and condescending attitude is why we are at this cross road in the first place? Can you not see that had you been more open minded and more accepting of your son in the first place he would not have had to lie and suppress his inner truth and there fore would never have married me and drug myself and my family into this as well?

I am not blaming my in laws for my husband being gay. It is not the ‘fault’ of anyone. It is not wrong so there is no fault. I am not blaming my inlaws for my life being destroyed or devastated. My husband could have been stronger and went against them sooner. What I am blaming my in laws for is the way they are treating him. Don’t tell him you love him but continue to tell him that he is a sinner and that he needs help to see YOUR way of thinking. It is my entire future that has been upended and I am supporting him and standing behind him. Why can’t you?

I have adult children. I know what it is like to be disappointed with some of their lifestyles. I don’t condemn them or guilt them into doing things my way.

I will never understand for the life of me why it is so hard for people to love their children without judgment. I dont understand how you can not set your own feelings aside for just a moment and put yourself in his place. He just told the people he loves and admires the most something he KNEW they would not like and you reacted exactly the way he was afraid you would. What he needs now is support and understanding NOT condemnation and guilt trips. This is not about YOUR pain. This is not about MY pain. This is about a man who has lived his whole life in lies and deceit because he was afraid of your judgments. This is about a man who has finally broken so completely because he couldnt live with the lies anymore. This is about a man that just stood up and did the most difficult thing he has ever had to do in his entire life and a man who needs love and understanding right now.

I know this has turned into a rant and I apologize but I am still very upset on my husband’s behalf. We have a lot of things that we need to sort out. We have decided to divorce. We also are working together to make this an amicable separation and to co parent our daughter so that her life is impacted as little as possible by this. We are trying to come to a place where our friendship can stand strong and outlive the heartache and the loss. This is an extremely emotional time for us and our unit. We will not allow any negativity into it. If you can not be supportive of the changes we are going through and you can not be supportive of the issues that we face then we do not need you to be involved right now.

I have always been the outcast and my soul is prayed for repeatedly because I am not a christian. I am not a bad person. I am not  doing anything immoral or wrong. If praying for me makes you feel better, then by all means pray. I am used to shouldering the blame. I am the inlaw after all. I am sure that it will eventually be decided that I have hexed or possessed my husband and I have caused him not to believe in god, which by the way, he came to me for information I have never tried to influence him and I am sure it will come out somehow to be my fault and I have turned him gay.

First off, I dont care what you believe as long as you dont shove it on me. Secondly, I have never put a spell on my husband for any reason. Thirdly, you can not make someone gay. They either are or they arent. Lastly and most importantly, I dont care if you dislike me or blame me. My husband and best friend needs the all the love and support he can get right now and if Me and MY children are the only ones to give it to him then we are all he needs right now. Not a single soul in my family has judged him. My entire family has been supportive and understanding. Maybe that is the reason he is not going “home”. Maybe “home” is what he was running away from.

I Hate Peas…A Parody

I really don’t like peas. Liking peas is not natural. They’re little, green, uchy, and they taste funny.

I don’t understand why anyone else would like peas.

It would be ok if pea lovers just wanted to do their pea eating in private. I wouldn’t have a problem with that. It’s just that those nasty pea lovers want to be treated just like real people. Seriously, they think that they have the right to do their pea loving in public. Children  might  see them. How would we explain that? Children might think that pea eating is normal. They might think that it’s ok to be a pea lover. 

I could never allow that.

I think that pea lovers decided to be pea lovers. I bet it was because other pea lovers encouraged them to love peas. There’s no way that a child brought up in a normal pea hating family could have ever not been a pea hater if they hadn’t made that choice. 

I think that anyone that likes peas should be repressed. In fact, I think I’ll make a law that says that if anyone likes peas, they aren’t allowed to get married. I think I’ll make it legal to fire pea lovers without any reason other than they like peas. They shouldn’t be allowed to adopt kids because they might make other pea lovers.

I’ll convince myself that I’m doing it for the sake of the pea lovers. I’ll make myself believe that i’m hating the pea and loving the pea lover. I’ll find some logic that says I’m taking as stand for the Church and against false dogma. I think God made a mistake when He allowed pea lovers to love peas. I’ll bully them into thinking that pea love is a sin and that God hates them. I bet, if I looked, I could find a Scripture that says something close to what I want. 

I’ll also vilify the pea lover lovers. They are contributing to the problem by encouraging the pea lovers. They have convinced the pea lovers that normal society approves of pea loving. They would allow pea lovers to do their nasty pea things in public *gasp*.

As long as I live, I’ll keep finding reasons to hate the pea lovers and their supporters. Pea loving is just wrong. Damn all the pea lovers.

******

 I don’t like peas. Don’t eat them if I can avoid it. I was using peas to make light of something that is far more serious. Un-reasoned hate, no matter the excuse, hurts the hater. 

 It’s better to love and be loved than to live without.

If you want to eat peas, go ahead. It’s ok.

If you want to love who you want “just like normal people”, I’m good with that. Please just tell me one thing, which of us is normal?

If you want me to support your pea loving, just do me one favor, don’t put them on my plate. I don’t like them. On the other hand, if you want me to support your right to eat them, then you don’t even have to ask, I already do.